Why I Validate This Year Sucking

This is a dramatic rant, yes, but there's no way to put this shit light heartily. This is an over all explanation of why I feel like 2013 was a massive loss of a year for me. Now listen, I'm not trying to be ungrateful for what I have today, because sure, I could always have it worse, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, other people having it worse will always happen, but that's no excuse to downplay your own shit. Be happy about good things, but it's healthy to also be sad, pissed off, struggling. Those are human emotions that we are all entitled to express. And not doing so can be so unhealthy that it can drive you mad. 

So let me begin.

At the start of this year Nick and I had agreed on divorce for time number one. I felt liberated, for that I'll be happy. I felt so happy that in fact I starting seeing someone else, Nick was doing the same, and we weren't lying to each other about it, we were well aware. 

I was breast feeding Liv and therefore I was not on birth control (I am now this won't ever happen again." And so I got pregnant... and freaked out. New guy (who's simultaneously an ex guy) was great and fun but was he ready to play daddy? Let's call that a rocky start to the year. 

In the second month of the year Nick wanted to reconcile but didn't know I was pregnant yet. He wanted so badly to make our family a family again. I'm open for the negativity that's bound to spawn out of this. Because I too was ashamed when I said okay. I will be honest, I will be so honest to let you know who I really am, a young human being that fucks up. I really fuck up. Life is such a learning curve and it's hard enough to judge yourself on how you feel about your mistakes without the grief from everyone else but I'm not naive. That happens. The only satisfaction I can give to the people who are determined to do so, is don't follow my life. It won't bring you happiness to dote on my mistakes. Find your happiness somewhere not within me. And to that people that want to see me prevail, my heart beats for you, because you keep me growing and you want to know what I do to become a better person.  

So here I am in February agreeing to what I know will most likely be a massive heart ache. Not so much for me as him. Let's call this a loss on my part. 

Third month comes and we move to San Antonio where I'm leaving my only home, my support system, the people that I love to support Nick in his dream. I owed that a shot. We get our first place in this month which was beyond exciting. So grateful for that new chapter in life. And we are working on us. When I think we are strong enough, I sit down with Nick and come clean. I mean, of course I would. 

He wanted the reality of it to be different so bad. He wanted our family to be ours. No way of blaming him. He wanted to claim the child but that's just impossibly unfair. And so when the truth was told we felt the divorce coming back in full force. But again, that was relieving. I don't know whether to call this a win or loss but I'm sure you have an idea. 

It was May when our separation began. It was May when we were organizing new futures. And it was May when Liv had her first birthday that we were ecstatic about. 

Still the stress of reality that this was my fault was in every breath I took. Don't pity me, I don't even pity myself, I'm just here to relay the shit that went down. Nick was always forgiving but each time he loved me less. And I'm not sure that I ever did at all. We were in this together to give Liv a shot at having a happy loving family. We were making our own selves miserable in the process. 

I couldn't manage the way he was such a negative person from the day we entered our relationship for the first time. I couldn't manage the way we made no connection with each other and so he'd ignore me but expect me to follow his own goals around. I couldn't mange how he'd rather stare at naked girls on a computer screen than hold my hand from the very start. Neither of us were happy or perfect or part of perfect. 

In June... The baby was gone. What caused it was not even relevant. There was so much pressure so much stress and I was really sick. Fighting with Nick, fighting with the babies father, fighting with myself. I let go, I lost it for weeks and I'd cry and it didn't help that people were so kind because there was nothing I could do about it. I stayed in bed June and most of July. This is a loss in every since of the word. 

Later in July when I couldn't stop getting sick I went to my primary care physician only to get a call back a couple weeks later that I had an auto immune decease called lupus. This instilled so much fear in me and I had trouble finding out what it would mean. A lot of people go through chemotherapy to treat lupus. It's a life long condition that I will always have to battle. Overwhelming loss.   

My birthday was approaching and I needed to get away from my sinking reality. I had someone who was like a best friend to me that I suppose I was into. That was encouraging but definitely not the proper time. When I took my vaca back to my home I was thrilled but weighed down at the same time. I couldn't help but want to let go, but I also couldn't help feeling so conflicted. Where the hell was I supposed to go in life from here? How would I succeed? 

I knew my best shot was being in the place that I loved. Where my support system had my back, my front, my sides, you name it. It was adventurous and dreamlike and I decided to stay. I got two jobs immediately. Something that Nick made impossible to do in San Antonio, I was now doing. Happy as a queen bee. But I was getting stung left and right. My birthday was the worst, my friendships took a turn for the worst, Best friends were going far, far away, I was of course missing my baby dearly, but the divorce was in action, I was dating and not focusing on me.  

The plan was simply this: work, work, work, get a safe place that welcomed Liv, get her, and start new. 

But I was impulsive and irrational and a mother that had spent every second of her child's life with them becomes devastated when you can no longer see or speak to them. Which was exactly what Nick had taken away from me. Loss. 

Raising her on his own was impossible for him to handle and I was fearful. So we both agreed upon me going back, me doing what really needed to be done, which was nothing but taking care of Liv. 

I made no real social connection with anyone in San Antonio out of the eight months I spent there. I met a few people but none that I would think about twice. Nick and I lived like roommates and I guess that wasn't the worst. We started marriage consoling but that got us no where except for me to find out that I needed desperately to work on myself. 

The more I began the more I saw this whirlwind of shit that seemed impossible to escape. "Nick can I go to school?" No. I can't right now. He's not providing childcare because fuck that shit. I am the childcare. And he wants to go to school. "Nick can I just have some "me" time." No. We don't need to be spending money on that. "Nick can we get involved with the community." Sure. But that's a lie because he was too busy ignoring me to look into it. Sitting at home on video games was MUCH more important. "Can I just get a job!?" Only if I work nights after tending to the baby all day and live with out sleep at all. Losing my grip and my mind. 

I spent September and October while the season changed in a massive depression. I wanted more out of life. I wanted passion and adventure, I just wanted to be me. The me that can be impulsive and make naive mistakes and leave room to learn and grow out of them. 

I felt so alone. So trapped. So negative. And you guys know from previous posts how this story goes. I tried to overdose. While Nick sat there beside me and waited for me to die. In 2013 I nearly lost my life. If it wasn't for calling my mother for what I thought would be one last time, one last "I love you," I would have drifted away into noting. She felt my pain, she knew how low I was, and she made the call to save me although I had no desire to be saved. 

And I'm in a bed then, listening to my inner voice talk about how my life has passed me by in large increments in such a short span of time. Twenty years only. Twenty years of all my mistakes that I thought I was learning from but instead I was only burning my bridges. 

So I wrote. I pulled up the internet and I created what you're now reading and I poured out my heart and soul and I gave you the truth, the good truths and the incredibly bad truths. 

And I moved. And I took my baby with me. And began struggling to let my family become my support system they were always meant to be, but I had denied them to be. 

And I had days were I would sit in a bath of warm water going cold and I would cry out loudly for it to all stop. When my mother would walk into the room to hold her babies body and wrap it up in a towel because I couldn't manage it. And I gave her all the resentment inside of me I could manage to spill out. 

Crying until I was exhausted enough to let sleep take me. 

And she taught me that I needed to look around and see what I did have. And to try. My life wasn't what it had been anymore. I need to forgive and allow myself to become better, allow the other people in my life the opportunity to show me unconditional love with out holding onto the past. Stop burning my damn bridges. Stop fucking running away. 

I don't know much about the future. I don't know much about what's going to happen in 2014. I roll my eyes at the thought of a new me and that bullshit but to survive, I'm going to have to try. 

I'm going to have the opportunity here to work and thrive and write and go to school, support myself and my baby girl. And who the hell cares about the shit from my past anymore. Hey world, I fucked up. And it was dramatic and it might always be as next year passes by. 

But I don't look too much at my future anymore. I don't bother to look back in my past. I'm living day by day, sometimes hour by hour if I can't manage that. I'm living for what's going to make me happy.

Happy New Year and may it bring you everything you never thought you'd live to see. 

Coping Skills

This weeks Blog Request Wednesday comes from a woman who has been bottling kindness for sale. When I was pregnant with Liv she brought me loads of hand-me-downs that I didn't even yet know I would need and I'm so glad for it. She didn't really even know me, she just knew of me, and to reach a helping hand out to anyone just because you think they may like it, is in my eyes, the single greatest attribute any person can ever have. That's compassionate. My heart and all of its contents goes out to Samantha and she would like to read about my coping skills. And I would love to share them with all of my readers.
Every night after laying Liv down for bed, I begin to talk to myself in my mind. I would say that I'm a lunatic but I know for a fact that the common mom does this same thing. What I talk to myself about is what I want to talk to you guys about actually. I think about the things I'd like to say for you guys to pick up on, things that will help me by getting them out. I like to grow through the words that I use to express what I'm going through. Writing, to me, isn't just that I like to write because it helps me when I'm upset or fun to do, it's what helps me become the person I strive to be.
I find such a deep connection in the written thoughts of others. My heart expands and I sympathize and it inspires me. I can read a simple two sentenced quote and turn the meaning of it into an essay easily. I get carried away in my emotions and I allow them to run wild. If you guys connect to the words I write here, just imagine the kinds of things I write solely to the people I love. This of course is my number one coping skill.
While I can't be entirely sure, I want to say that this developed from my mother. When I was younger we'd often have fights but they would turn into heartfelt moments of honesty, that sometimes lasted hours at a time, and we would find some kind of closure in them. Every time this happened I would find myself a little bit more.
I spent a lot of time on my own growing up. Partly because I was almost always grounded and then later in my teenage years, once I became so used to being grounded I wouldn't even bother to come out even when I wasn't. My mother and father said it was me secluding myself and it was, it still is, but it's what I became comfortable with. While I spent so much time by myself, I'd be thinking and writing in my mind, and I would reach a new level of self awareness almost every other day. I'm a person that has spent a lot of time with herself and that is my strength and that is also my weakness. As you guys have seen, sometimes I stay inside my own head so much that it causes a depression so deep that it takes control of my whole life for seasons long.
This is where the hard times in my life truly do lie, and I want to focus on how I cope with that. A lot of the time it's rather simple things that I just take more seriously than other people typically would.
Music has always been in my soul. It's a common thing for people with bipolar disorder to find more of a connection to anything artistic and hands on. In fact everything about the world is more. More than simple thoughts and easy fun. When I'm listening to music I go through a process of feeling like this is altering my life and my mind. These words are connecting with my emotions and showing me another path to walk down. When I find a song that I like I will usually listen to it for years. I relate the most to the heartbroken and in fact there are more songs written about heart break than anything else; like falling in love or hooking up, etc. So I spend a lot of time with Adele, Taylor Swift, Anna Nalkic, John Mayer, Lana Del Rey, and Ed Sheeran. But I also need to be lifted up and so I'll go for any genre at all and refrain from limiting myself.
I've chosen one thing in my life where I allow myself to be spoiled. It's so simple it's almost silly. I take baths. On a rough day maybe even twice. And I do everything in my power to make it more enjoyable each time. I buy seasonal candles, bath oils, face masks, sponges and exfoliaters, and lush soaps. I don't always buy the most expensive products but I don't feel like I need to, I just buy smart. For example, I but Burt's Bees shampoos and conditioners because they are clean and citrusy witch helps calm the mind. I buy body washes that smell warm and toasty rather than springy and fresh because it helps with relaxation. I was my face with a prescription for my lupus with cold water instead of warm water because it wakes up skin cells and helps brighten under my eyes. Sometimes I'll bring a bowl of fruit with me, or a cup of hot tea and a bottle of water, because believe it or not, baths actually dehydrate your body. And I'll spend an hour in a bath even if I'm not doing anything at all. That is my serenity. Door locked, lights off, candles on, soft music, and body soaking.
Lately I haven't been reading as much as I normally do with it being such a hectic time in my life right now. But I absolutely enjoy getting lost in the world of a book. It's like putting your life aside and becoming the main character. It also helps inspire me to write my own books which is the ultimate goal for me in my life.
I talk to my closest friend Chris. Chris is the closest thing I have to a soulmate but in a friend way. I am so immensely grateful to have him in my life. We have no boundaries with each other and anything I would say to another female I can say to him. He never wants anything from me, he never begs for my attention or dotes on the time spans that we don't talk. We are just there when we bed each other and there when we are at ease. I have never felt more comfortable opening up to a person than I have with him. And I feel so fortunate to have a male best friend that can offer a perspective that I don't normally see. And then also to have a male friend who has never tried to go beyond being a friend is so relieving in a way. I am so lucky that he is with a girl that is so kind and doesn't feel threatened by him having a close relationship with me. My heart goes out to the both of them. Chris can help me cope with anything at all.
I drive. Some times it's three in the morning and my mind has kept me awake and I need a release so I get up and get in the car and I just drive. I'll get on a high way and drive for about a dozen miles and turn around. No mater what my troubles always seem to become insignificant when it's late at night and I'm alone and I am driving. Maybe I'll be belting a song or two also. I just drive.
Sitting down on the ground is something that I've been doing since I was really, really young. Sometimes I'll just go sit on the floor in the bathroom or kitchen with the lights off. Or in the middle of the grass outside by myself. I don't know what it is about it but it makes me let go.
I guess over all, I'm definitely an introvert. I don't cope by going out or getting away to have fun. As a matter of a fact I don't even like to go out unless I'm with a guy that I'm really into. I'm not one to just want to go party with friends for a good time. I'd rather stay at home and rewatch Harry Potter movies or cook meatloaf.
I love be able to tell you guys more about myself, these are my favorite type if blog requests! Everyone have a safe and simple weekend!

Heart & Mind

Trying to figure out when a good time to pick myself up off the floor and wipe away my resentment is. I received lots of encouraging messages after my last post and I think it's put all of my problems into a broader perspective for me. It feels as if I am looking at myself in third person right now and I can depict what is wrong. I see all the relationships around me, family, romantic, and friends.  

To start, I honestly feel as if I will never heal or move on so long as I'm around the people who have done so much damage to me. I not just want, but I need to be with no one but my daughter. 

Family

- I'm not on my own, I'm with my mom who was supposed to be helping me after all the recent trauma. The problem with my mom and I is, no matter how much we love each other, we still manage to hate each other more. We see nothing the same. I can't understand her feelings and she can't understand mine. How can this possibly be helping me. 

- I need to let go of the pain I hold in my heart about my dads. They will never be what I want or need and I have to accept that.

- My brother and I aren't ever going to have a relationship. I have to let go of this fake future where we are magically so wonderful being brother and sister. The kindest thing we ever did for each other was throw temper tantrums to distract my dads attention when one of us was getting beaten too much, so he would go after the other. We don't live that life anymore, it's not a battle and we don't need each other that way anymore. 

Romantic 

- I was so completely desperate to throw the life I had with my parents away and start a new one where I couldn't feel broken anymore. I am always feeling like I'm stuck in life and I guess this is the "point the finger at yourself" moment when I know it should have slowed down with my life at eighteen. I loved being a mom and a military wife and taking care of my own home. I just didn't really love the person who was supposed to be my partner. And that's why I should have slowed down. 

- I need to learn from this. I know how wonderful it can be to be young and on your own and feel like the person you're with will be worth spending all your life with, how giddy it feels to announce to your friends that you're engaged and planning a wedding, and how magical it is to fantasize about having children some day. But if there's anything I've learned, it's to take time for yourself first. You, reading this, don't have to be where I'm standing at, you have the liberty of learning from my mistakes as I write them so bluntly in black and white for you. 

- If I ever decided I wanted to marry again, I will be spending six years with that person first, three of those years actually living together. If our relationship can't survive that, then it damn sure can't survive a marriage. People change, we grow, and that shouldn't be looked at as an awful thing. "She used to be my best friend but she's changed," "We used to be in love but he's changed." Everyone has to change, that's how we grow. Expect yourself to change and expect the person that you think you want to spend your life with to change too. 

For me, I think that six years of time is allowing enough change to occur to know if it's worthwhile. The first year, you see a person that you like and you want to spend a lot of time with. The second year, you have a young love and you've most likely worked through a few fights. The third year, you really start to see that person. You see them when they're under stress and hungry. You see what annoys you more prominently. If it comes naturally after that, then you should think about progressing your relationship, which is the fourth year move in. When you move in with someone (friend, lover, unknown roommate) the first year is the hardest. You came from two different lifestyles and backgrounds and they will occasionally collide. Someone may think it's okay to keep the TV on all night and the other person may be more Eco friendly. There's endless instances here. There's going to be fights and arguments, life isn't as glorious as a fifty shades novel. In year five you get more comfortable just like in year three. Then in year six, you know. You can look at all you've made it through, maybe a loss in a family, maybe a career promotion and adjusting to it, so many things at this point. Another habit I won't be making if I ever decided to get married again is that I wouldn't ask. I wouldn't discuss whether or not we're going to get married. I don't need a roadmap of my life, I need to loosen the grip that I have around it. I'd rather be completely surprised by a proposal than know it's coming. Ignorance is bliss. 

- And lastly, the hardest of everything for me... I have to let go of all of my past relationships and except that they are over. I need to let them go. 

Friends

- I certainly don't dislike any of my current friends but maybe there comes a point in time where I have to let them go. Everyone has a different path and some times your friends are taking the complete opposite path than you are. And I can't hang on to the time that we were walking together forever. If the issue is feeling like I don't connect with anyone then why should I stay in an unhappy friendship? 

- I can't close the world down just because I was closed off from it. There are people out there that do get it. I hate to say I'm looking for more of the broken but the truth is, misery loves company and I need to be able to relate to someone. 

If I just instill these things into my head then I can pick myself up and move forward. I can find a happier me, I can see better days. And I have to focus on me, I can't take on anyone else's shit right now. I need time allowed to be selfish for bettering me. This is my journey. 

It's Only Life

I cried today. I was a sobbing mess, let me tell you. 

I had my patience tested to the end with Liv. This last week she's decided she doesn't want to eat anything I give her. She barely touches her favorite foods. She won't take fruits or vegetables or meats, and God knows I don't want to fill her up with snacks. 

We have both been adjusting to me being a single parent and while I pretty much was even while I was with Nick, on the days when I had taken on so much I could just scream and rip my hair from the roots, Nick would understand and step in. 

This week I've been at my wits end several times but I didn't show my extreme distress until today while I was out running errands with my mother. And she did give me a ten minute break and I know she wants to help but she also simultaneously has to take care of her life and the other people in it. 

It's the most overwhelming feeling to be taking on all of my personal distress while learning how to parent alone. I'm glad I'm not writing this here on paper with ink because it would be tear stained. 

As I took my ten minute break that was actually a break down and felt incabable, I reached for my phone to call Livs dad and express what I was going through with his daughter and silence and excuses were ringing in my ears from the other side of the line. I couldn't beg for help and relief enough but those were two things that couldn't be given and so the conversation ended abruptly. 

And I sunk a little, I was tired. I was frustrated. But I knew that little girl needed me to love her unconditionally. 

Elivia is going to do this, she's going to have bad days, she's going to have rough patches. 

And I can cry if I need to. I can sit and cry for ten minutes and then not allow myself anymore. Cut it off. And I can be determined not to cry again for the same reason. I can feel angry as long as I don't take it out on other people. I can feel overwhelmed as long as I remember that I am a woman with a child that needs me, and there are so many other women in this world that have mastered what I'm embarking on with minimal complaining. My heart salutes those strong women. 

So I coped by pulling my best friend (my iPone) out and punching these little keys to tell myself, and to tell all of you, that rough days do not equal a rough life. It's hard, oh God it's so hard but we can persevere. The world should remember all of the women that continued even when they thought they couldn't. There's no need to follow in misseries footsteps. I'm working so diligently on bettering myself. Not just for me but also for my daughter. I don't have to be so fragile. None of us do. 

And after all of that, we should always remember, it's only life. 

Liv, Me, & The Orange Tree

Liv and I took a little stroll out to an orange tree this morning. A very, very little stroll since the tree is located in my mothers large backyard. Big for Liv though.

She really enjoyed picking her own bright colored oranges. 

I enjoyed the sunlight and took full advantage of being the Selfie Queen. 

We came back in to slice up and orange for Liv to snack on. 

But she wasn't having it and she hurdled them at my face instead. No photos of that, I'm not sorry. Later on Liv got to try out her most favorite toy from Santa this year, her four wheeler.

Also sporting an outfit she got for Christmas from her Nana. 

This morning was not too shabby. 

Hope you all have a wonderful day after Christmas and enjoy everything you've received! 

It's Time to Let You Know

The most wonderful thing about having a personal blog is that I am at liberty to share or conceal as much or little as I want to. I've always been a rather open person because most things weigh too heavy on my heart if I don't just put them out there and it helps me even if it's pointless to help any onlookers.

So now I am choosing to talk about why Nick and I have decided to get a divorce and what has lead to it. I have to be upfront about that fact that our love was never intentional or romantic. I am well aware that what people want and like to read about is the fairytale, but this just isn't. This is the truth. And if it's really upsetting to you, then I strongly encourage you to live your life differently from mine without harsh criticism of what I have already done. All I can do is be better in the future, but right now I'm going to speak on behalf of my past. 

Admittedly, I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. But even so, I've been in relationship after relationship since I was in the third grade, serious relationships or not. The point is, I haven't ever really taken the time for myself. I guess the reason behind that is that I felt like I wasn't getting what I needed at home from my parents and I wanted to put the responsibility on someone else to love me and be kind and caring always. My relationships always ended because of course no person can do that always and I felt hurt by that. 

And then when I was fifteen I found someone that I wanted to try for, that I would take the good days with the bad for. But fifteen is not a good time to be so serious. I've gone up and down through the motions of what that's resulted in for six years. That person is not Nick. And as upsetting as that might sound to some people, it's not my goal to please everyone, it's my goal to be honest with everyone. And I really can not say I'd even want that person to ever be Nick. 

I moved in with Nick when I was seventeen. The reason I had to move in with him was because I quite literally had nowhere to go. I wouldn't have ever thought we would end up in a relationship, but I was so upset with the way my last one had ended that I wasn't even thinking straight. When Nick and I decided to become a couple, these words came from my mouth verbatim, "I will date you, but I am never going to love you." And he accepted that. 

But then came my pregnancy and the responsibility that tacked on to it. Don't get me wrong, Elivia is one of the few things I ever feel like I'm doing right. I love being her mother and I adore her with all my heart and more. I wanted to give her a shot at having two parents that were in love and together. But that kind of love never came. Even through it all now, it never came. We loved each other like best friends, but never the way a husband and wife need and want. 

Each time it would take its toll on us, I would become frantic to find a way out of it. And ultimately would end up being pulled right back in. For two and a half years of my life I lived in a constant state of unhappiness while desperately trying to convince myself that I was perfectly fine. When I posted anything positive to social media about us, it wasn't so much to convince the rest of the world as it was to convince myself. And I'm so sorry for misleading everyone. This is my best shot at being real now. 

We have separated and wanted to divorce three times in the last year alone. One of those times I started seeing other people in hopes that it would give me the strength to completely walk away. But that's not at all the right thing to do. And I know it, but it's gotten harder for me to accept being alone because I haven't for so long. (And while it's hard, this time, I'm doing it anyway.) 

One of the people I was seeing was the too serious fifteen year old relationship. Low and behold I did get pregnant again and not very long after, I didn't have that baby inside of me anymore. People must have been horrified and disgusted, I can only imagine. That put my dirty laundry out on the line faster than anything else ever would. But no one could see Nicks and what would even result in me wanting to divorce and to move on the way I was. 

Nick and I actually began to hate each other at times. There was a war in our homes and it was never healthy for me, him, or Elivia. He had problems handling me with all of the deep rooted issues I have, as most people usually do. 

There's an inner child in me filled with pain. And I've grown exhausted of having to battle it every year of my life. I have a family history of many people who have committed suicide. Some people in this world feel everything deeper than the norm and they live on a continuous roller coaster of emotion. Up and down. And it's so much harder for those people to let go of their pain. And it's usually passed down in generation. And I'm one of those people. 

No matter how many times I screamed out for help from Nick and showed how seriously that I just wanted to give up on my life, he didn't and wouldn't help me. Most days he'd hide the car keys and money from me. My job was to stay at home and not have the option of having and real social interaction with anyone. Hence the reason I've been so dedicated to social media for the past few years. I've spent month spans completely alone with a husband that came home and ignored me. I knew no one in the city we lived in. I have never had good relationships with anyone in my family. And I found it hard to connect with the rest of the world, and even to the friends I used to know as a child. 

I tried so hard to get out so many times, like I said. Once I went on a trip back to my home and decided to stay and got two jobs immediately and a roommate and I intended to get my own place that was safe for Elivia to come stay at when I was ready to go get her. But eventually I had no support system, Nick said he'd keep her away from me, and I missed my baby so much that I ached in pain just from waking up in the morning. 

I later found out that Nick was lying about where she was. He sent her to our home too and left her in the care of his parents and made sure that I didn't find out. I lost all faith and trust in this person. She was there with me but I didn't know. I gave it one more shot because I felt like I couldn't do anything else. 

I became so unhappy this last time that it was physically making me sick. And then the day came when I was ready to overdose. All I could think is that my baby girl deserved to be with a future step mom that wasn't so completely destroyed and constantly unhappy, then to spend her life watching me do this for the rest of mine. 

So I wrote her a letter to read when she was eighteen. I wrote another letter to the guy that my fifteen year old self could not let go off and I left them on the counter and told Nick what they were. I went into our bathroom and took a good handful of pills and then came out also let Nick know of that. He followed me into our bedroom, I laid down and he sat beside me. And he just waited for something to happen to me and denied that anything would. 

I guess that I thought if I was going to go I wanted to speak to my mom first, so I called her. But all of my emotions spilled over and I told her how low I had gotten. I didn't tell her I had taken the pills but what I said was enough for her to urge me to go to the E.R. anyway. She's been through things like this with me as a child. 

I really didn't want to, I really was just exhausted of living the way I was. Of being so completely shattered on the inside from six years old. Of both of my dads (biological and step) completely abandoning me when they were supposed to be the men in my life to love me unconditionally. Of the memories of my dad beating the shit out of me and my little brother, wrapping his hands around my throat and staring into my eyes, and nobody helping us ever, nobody believing. Of my mother wiping her hands of what mess we were always in to go across the country to start a new life that didn't concern me or my brother and calling it our faults. Of my friends that I considered my support system being fair-weather, hearing my stories and brushing them off. Of being with someone who I never thought I'd end up with because he was so awful and opposite of me. Of not being able to heal. 

But I went. Because well I guess within my future I saw hope. Even if most of it was all completely impossible fantasies, it looked like hope. And I survived later that night. And I finally got some help from people that did take me seriously. 

I started to work on myself more and more. And I did get stronger. But the more I worked on me the more I saw how much my marriage was tearing me down. 

The night that I completely snapped was the night I walked into my living room to find my husband who had fallen asleep with his hand down his pants and porn on his phone. This was around the tenth time that this has happened. I became to feel completely worthless to him. So terribly sorry his own dirty laundry is out there now. 

I told my mom once again everything I was feeling and she came right away to get me and Elivia. It was serious. 

I'm starting all over working on myself and working on my mom and Is relationship. And you have to believe that I have no desire to have life wrecking days, but I do any way. And they hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I'm not sure I even know how to interact with people in person anymore. I've lived the way I lived for so long that now I lack desire to be around people and start what I find to be pointless conversations. I don't even tell these things to my very best friends. Because quite honestly I got sick of hearing the same useless and unhelpful words from everybody. 

"You have such a cute and wonderful daughter to live for." But I was this person before her and having her has changed a lot about me but it can't change everything. It's not a superpower. I lack the ability to feel as optimistic and positive as most people do. 

"So many people have much worse problems." Yeah, you're right, it could be worse, it could always be worse. But those people having worse problems doesn't not justify belittling your own. A problem is a problem whether it's little or big and within us is our reaction to it. Mine have rubber band balled for so long that it's hard as hell not to take anything without great impact. 

"You're too beautiful to be so sad, just cheer up." This is the one I lose my shit at the most. I can't even begin to explain how that makes me feel. And now I spend my days wishing that what is going on inside of me showed on the outside. I'd give it all up for people to look at me and see me as the demon that I'm always fighting off. Maybe then people would know just how dark and destroyed I feel. 

"I'm sorry but I just don't understand what you're going through." I know. I have yet to find a person on this earth that feels or thinks even a little bit similar to what I do. 

It's so hard to admit what I'm currently going through. Where I find it therapeutic to be open about the things I've been through way in the past, it's hard to talk about my struggles in the now.  Because I'd rather be telling people about how I persevered or concurred my struggles. But honestly, I never really have. It's all just wrapped up inside of me. It's too much for me to handle so how could I ever expect anyone else to handle it. 

I'm not telling anyone that you to give a shit about my problems. All I hope to do in this, is provide an explanation. 

You should know that I'm restarting working on me again. This time the me without Nick. I think that's why we are both thrilled to see this coming to an end.  I am working on making all that hope that I found become a reality. This is a slow process, and sometimes I take steps back, but I am trying. All I can do is try. It doesn't always have to be like this. And I feel hopeful that I will heal. 

A Christmas Day in the Life of this Jessica

This weeks blog request comes from my exes aunt Paula who is one of the kindest and most accepting women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life. She wants to know all about the best Christmas I had as a child. So I'm getting in my Christmas pajamas, cuddling up to a fuzzy penguin blanket, and sipping on a hot cup o' Joe in a festive mug, and my recommendation is that you all do the same as you read this.

I grew up for a good portion of my childhood in a military family. My dad was in the Marine Corps and my mom was mostly always at home for me and my little brother. The very first place that my dad was stationed at was Camp Lajeune in Jacksonville, North Carolina.I must have been around four or five, honestly, I don't remember anything from those years besides the holidays. Oh, and the time that the fire department had to come rescue my tiny little fingers that I managed to wedge permanently underneath the kitchen counter top.

I remember the Halloween I spent grounded, I remember my little brothers first birthday party, (clown included) and I remember the best Christmas I have ever had, to this day. 

Since we were a military family, there were minimal amount of times when we got to see our extended family. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins were an unfamiliar concept to me. But I knew it was special when they were around. That year both my dads and moms parents were all there in our present crowded living room. That hasn't ever happened again since that day. And when I think about it, the reason I remember this Christmas so well probably has more to do with the gathering of family rather than the amazing amount of presents I received, which is that Christmas should be about.

The holidays were such a magical time before I was nine and was told that Santa isn't real. My parents always did everything in their power to make Christmas feel amazingly special. That year the first thing I received was a scroll wrapped up in a red bow and tied into the tree. My mom opened it and recited to me a personalized letter from Santa. You can't imagine how remarkable I felt to have such a busy big guy taking the time to write and leave me a letter telling me how good I had been that year. On top of that, I don't think I have ever received as many gifts on a Christmas since that one. It was hard not to notice the huge unwrapped play kitchen in the very back, and knowing how that made me feel, I can't wait until the Christmas that Liv is finally old enough to receive her own. I can't recall the other approximately 500 presents I opened. But I do know we ate really good food all day long.

I'm sure I've had some good Christmases since then but nothing comes close to the greatest one. Most of my Christmases have been clouded over with such terrible memories. In the past five years of my life, Christmas has been more of a roller-coaster of emotions. From the Christmas we spent without my dad that ultimately resulted in my parents divorce, to the Christmas where I was on my own at seventeen, to the last four years that I haven't even spoke to my mom or dad during the holidays. I'm happy to say that this year is the first time in five years that I've actually been really hopeful that the holidays will turn out more than wonderful and I'm crossing my fingers that I can get through the day with out crying even once. At least that's the only thing I've asked Santa for this year. 

Why Don't Christmas Trees Have Pine Cones

Personally, I think pine cones are pretty and I would completely opt to decorate a Christmas Tree with them. But all silly questions aside, the most loved Liv was ready and very much aware to help pick out a tree this year! We went to a small tree farm with my mom (Nana to Elivia), who I'm temporarily staying with over the holidays, on a mission to find the prettiest tree the tree that was just right for us.

She had such a blast running around in the fair weather with all the pretty smelling trees around her.

Just when I thought I'd caught up with her, she'd take off in another direction. She was a girl on a mission. 

She even studied each tree pretty hard with me a Nana before we picked out our favorite. I think sometimes she understands more than she lets on. Today was a pivot point in her toddlerhood as she's finally began to imitate words that we tell her to say. First thing out of her mouth this morning was "good morning" in response to her Nanas "good morning". Then later on in the day I got my first "no-no" back from her after I was telling her not to do something. And it's all up and down hill from there. 

We got the tree home eventually and made a party out of decorating. So far Elivia is doing a pretty excelent job of understanding you can look but you can't touch. This is going to be the best Christmas I've had in four years and the first one Elivia's ever had with my family. And that's what matters the most on the holidays. That's all I could ever ask for. 

In This Skin

I'm just now getting to my Blog Request Wednesday winning topic. This weeks topic came from a woman I've known for several years, Ashley, who is the mother of two adorable little tykes. Ashley's topic is the after effects on your body after having a baby.
Guys, I had an entire blog post written up for you that was uplifting and positive but the truth is, as much as I love and adore the little baby girl I created, I can't stop loathing my body. I can't lose enough weight. I can't wear shorts or skirts. I refuse to buy a bikini. And I can't sugar coat my feelings just because it would be prettier to read about a woman who really knows how to handle her feelings about body image in a healthy way. I don't. I am sorry.
I can't remember a time in my life (before or after baby) when I wasn't hung up over something I hated about myself. I always thought that as a whole, I was a self confident person. I mean, anyone in my presence would think so. I was am a very photogenic person. But I struggle in secret and it's so much more than you know.
I was watching Tyra Banks the other morning on The View, she came on to talk about this weight loss evolution. She's teamed up with Special K to help empower women to be proactive about the things they don't like about themselves. Sure it was a positive message to send out to the world but all I could think was, "that's easy for one of the most famous super models in the world to say." Even with all the good intentions and motivation that is so easy for each of us to access today  (insert motivational quote from Pinterest here), I still feel the way I do at the end of the day.
I am ready to show it and share it. I want to take you through the mind of someone that just can't ever deal.
For the sake of this post, I stepped on a scale tonight for the first time in over a year. It's been that long because I've just been avoiding it! Even though my weight since baby has fluctuated and I've been able to visibly see that I've lost weight some months, I still don't even want to know. I block those three numbers out of my mind and store them in a locked file cabinet with a lost key.
Because what is this number. Does it really even have any single real value if muscle weighs more than fat does? If every ounce of fat that is on my body was actually muscle, wouldn't that number on that scale be even higher?
But for this journey that I an opening up on tonight, I have. I take a nervous breath. I tap to register the scale. I see the zero signalling it's ready for me to rise onto it. And here I am, waiting to be told. Holding my breath or what may be rising vomit. And now this piece of shit device is telling me that I weigh 162.2 pounds and my self worth is filling up every single ounce of that number.
Before Elivia I was around 140. I thought I weighed too much then. I also avoided scales then.
By 39 weeks of pregnancy I was somewhere up in 180. The maximum amount my doctor wanted me to gain was thirty pounds. I remember her asking me if I was bothered or concerned by gaining weight and I just waving it off and saying, "not at all." Truthfully, I thought that the baby weight would just come off. I thought that I was young enough to spring back really quickly.
In my first and second trimesters I kept up with walking and doing some yoga to stretch out and sooth my morning sickness. In those months I was throwing up so much that I was constantly worrying that the baby wasn't getting enough food and it would die. I tried everything I could to stop the sickness. Lozenges, Zofran, motion sickness bracelets, two saltines and half a bottle of water before my feet even touched the ground in the morning, mint gum, mint anything, cold baths, bland tasteless foods, more water. But for those first two trimesters I was stuck. When the third hit, I was knocked flat on my ass. My baby belly just grew and grew and grew some more. And the thing was, I was only craving foods like olives, red meat, and corn. But despite everything I was doing to prevent a horrifying future I knew the game was over when one week I suddenly got stretch marks everywhere and I could no longer reach my legs to shave them but more importantly, I stopped giving a shit. I said "to hell with caring, it's going to happen anyway." I gave up on feeling beautiful in my eighth month of pregnancy. And I didn't get the desire back until Elivia was around five months old. That's half a year spent ignoring my body and not even passing glances in mirrors I walked by.

7 Months Pregnant 

Since then, I've lost weight and gained it back a bit, and lost more and gained it back a bit more.
But even though pregnancy was the push over the edge, I had always had a self image problem. I dote on things like this so much because I struggle with depression. Where one girl may feel like she needs to lose some weight, I just feel like I'm disgusting and unworthy of anyone ever being attracted to me. My feelings get amplified. And there's not a damn motivational speech I could ever find that would radically change my way of thinking and feeling. I've tried.
I wish more than anything else that I could pull myself away from the way my brain works but I just can not. It's a life long struggle. It's something I battle every day. And so when I look in the mirror and I see my scars that cover my body from my hips to my knees, and I see the baby belly that just wont leave me, I'm not only fighting not to like it but I'm fighting not to completely demolish myself as a human being.
A lot of young girls get asked after they have had a newborn for three months, what they think about having a baby, and the majority replies, "I didn't think it would be this hard."
I did.
I knew that the baby would be a challenge, I was realistic and prepared, and it has turned out to be less of a challenge than I expected because I knew. My expectation was to struggle with a baby, but I pulled through with flying colors because my knowledge was power.
The challenge I wasn't prepared for was the after effects on my body from having a baby.
I wasn't expecting to have a war inside my body and mind.
Having a baby has changed the way I view my body and the way I view other peoples bodies too. It's made me believe, down to the very core of my being, that everyone is not what they are on the outside. And the only thing about another person that I should ever be concerned about is, are they kind? Are they genuinely kind? Are they compassionate, do they find they can easily relate to me and vice versa, is it comfortable to be around them even in silence? This may have a heavy toll on my mind but in my heart, it's making me a better person.
I wish so badly and I dream of a day where I will be at peace with myself. Where a single thought in my head won't be scared. I will be healthy and grateful for it. And I will never think on it twice, I will never have to write a blog post on this subject two times over.
This is real. If you come here to read this you're going to find me. You're going to see my pain spilled out in black and white letters. And watch me struggle and in time, change and grow, and become different. You are going to know me. And when I have happy days and I'm counting my blessings, I'll share that with you too.
But today, I just don't love the skin I'm in.

Dessert Before Diner & Santa

We took Liv to see Santa today and she was glowing with excitement. She's definately not one of those babies that hates sitting on Santa's lap. One of the photos resembles last years Santa photo a lot. Now I might have her make that face every year.

After we got home we got changed and spent some mommy-daughter time baking some cookies. This was the first time I ever cooked with Elivia and I realized that I really should do it more often. Even if she does stick in body parts and try to eat every ingredient. 

This was how she reacted when we told her the cookies we were making were for Santa

Then I let her have a couple nibbles of cookie dough for the first time because it's okay to be naughty sometimes. She surpassed love. At one point she actually rolled her eyes. (She did not eat that whole ball)

She was eager to get a taste of the final product. Before dinner. So we sat on the floor together and had a cookie and milk. But Liv got worried that someone might take her cookie. So she ran away with it.

She was dressed for the occasion too with her kitty cat/cookies and milk pjs. 

Today was a good day. 

Sunday Afternoons

Sundays are probably my favorite day of the week. I love the wind-down from the weekend. When you get to be a little bit lazy too. I think everyone has a different image of what their Sundays are.
Mine are soft pink. They're snugly. They're clouds covering the sun.
This Sunday was spent just that way as hubby and I took Liv down to our favorite garden for some photos.

I was so proud of her today. She was adventurous and photogenic enough to get a few really good snaps in. 

Though we did have the occasional crabby fit we got a good collection of photos we liked before she was 5000% done. 

She got to sport a cute pajama set outside of home today just for the perfect lazy Sunday effect. And it was too cute not to incorporate given what time of year it is.

Can we just take a moment to look at how big my baby has gotten. I feel like I don't ever really notice her growth, being with her every hour of every day, but these photos really taught me. She looks so mature at times it overwhelms me. And I'll repeat, she's only a year and a half. 

How did you guys spend your Sunday? 

Long Gone Are Those Days

This last week has been exceptionally rough for Liv. She's becoming more bossy and demanding and she's starting to know what she wants. And what she doesn't want. Like naps. Or at least we thought it was the naps she was fighting. But when hubby and I took some extra time today to try to figure out what this brand new hate of naps was all about, it didn't take us long to realize that it's not that she doesn't want to sleep, it's that she doesn't want to sleep alone. 

I got pretty lucky with Livs sleeping habits from day one. Of course when she was a newborn she needed to be woke up and fed every three hours and I was okay with that, it was to be expected, but fortunately there were no extra wake-ups. Then as feedings got less frequent she would sleep through the whole night. I can't recall a time when I had to get up or stay awake with her because she didn't want to sleep and she's always loved sleeping in. She moved to her crib at three months and was perfectly content. We've never spent a night co-sleeping even before the crib, she slept in a bassinet near our bed.

Until now. Long gone are those nights when Liv went down easily and snuggled up next to her blankie. Long gone are her independent ways. She's developing her attachments and she's growing into her next stage. 

The only problem is deciding if beginning co-sleeping now is a terrible idea or not. 

I want to comfort my child and make sure that she feels I'm understanding what she needs. Hubby on the other hand doesn't have that kind of patience and he's a go-by-the-rule-book kind of guy. He doesn't like the idea of Elivia doing anything "out of line". I don't find that to be realistic. 

While it's great to want to give your children proper structure, I also feel the need to be more compassionate

towards her feelings. It hurts my heart to watch my daughters face turn into a beat red sobbing snot ball. 

Since we have never been in this situation before, we aren't very sure how to start going about it. Should we leave her to tough it out or should we console her and keep her as close as she wants to be. 

I'm not sure I would be able to be there the way she needs me to be. I'm already a night owl and when I do sleep, I toss and turn and wake easily. None of which is ideal for co-sleeping. 

So with all of that being said I'm completely open to hearing opinions on what to do. Yes, you read that right. I'm actually asking for parental advice. Nap and bed time has become that hard. I know many have gone through something at least similar to this. What have you done?

Brand Spankin' New

I hope you guys adore my new blog look as much as I do. I've worked at it vigorously for the past twenty-four hours. My blog tittle has changed and the reason for that change is because I found myself wanting to be able to write about more than just motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there is going to be plenty of mommy updates but I want to leave the door wide open.

I chose the name Work of Sunshine for many reasons. For one, I consider writing my work. It's an aspiring career. For two, I was born August 7th, the sunniest month of the year, and according to my astrology sign, I'm a fire sign and my ruling planet is the sun. And lastly, "You Are My Sunshine" was the first thing I said/sang to Liv when she was born and to this day it's the only song I can sing to pull her out of a temper-tantrum and into silence. It's like magic. 

Other new things I tried out today include: thinking about a recipe section of my blog, recording an [awful] vlog that I've been contemplating on adding into my blogging experience to connect with more readers, and learning how to read and write HTML code (as of now I'm self taught and not very good.) I am completely open to suggestions and opinions. While it's true that I love to free write, I also love to write about what people want to read about. 

The last new thing I've got going on is my smooch and signature at the end of each post. It's my way of personalizing the love to all of my readers. 

Requested Post Wednesdays & My Personal Book Reviews

I gave it some quick consideration and decided, in order to connect more to my blog readers, I am going to ask for requests on what you guys want to read about every Wednesday. I may not blog every Wednesday but I will be accepting the requests that day and get to it the next time I decide to write!
And with that being said, I am going to kick it off with the first request I got from a much loved and adored woman who is very close to my family, Kimmy, Kimberly for long. She wants to know all about what books I would and would not recommend. I'm really excited so I'm going to jump right in! (Please excuse my hair. It's ten at night and I haven't removed my makeup yet but I have thrown my hair out of the way and I didn't feel the need to get pretty for a book post.)
If you know me you know that I have an undying obsession with Harry Potter novels and it wouldn't be right to not kick off with my utmost favorite book of the series.

J.K. Rolling is one of the sole reasons why I love Harry Potter so much. It's because of her back story about her struggles with life and depression and her ability to use writing as an outlet to cope that I relate to so much. I love the story and its depth too. Everything about the world folds into itself and is more complex than most realize which is my main inspiration while I'm on my journey to write my first novel (hopefully series.) Of them all I completely adore the perfection of The Half Blood Prince. This one specifically felt, to me, like the true opening of all the danger and excitement that Harry Potter and his friends were facing. The previous books all had their troubles too but I feel like this one really allowed me to dive into the strong feelings I got while reading the rest of the series. I frequently pick up this book and just read it without reading the others. I could go on and on complaining about the film adaption of some of my favorite parts in this book just like a lot of other Harry Potter readers could, but I honestly don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said so I'll stick with the positive. I got the entire hardback set last year as my first anniversary present from my husband. One of my most favorite things about hard backs? The way they smell.

While this is my favorite book of this series, this is not my favorite book of all time. So lets get down to business now. (Did anyone else have the Mulan "Make A Man Out of You" song pop into their head after reading that last sentence? I did while writing it.)

The Eternal Ones by Kristen Miller, I die. I wish this book went on forever. The concept of this book is something I just find a connection with: reincarnation. The book isn't based off of what the actual definition of reincarnation is though, it's more adapted to a love story so it won't bore you with the details of religion. In fact it's not religious at all. The story revolves around two main characters who are tied to the earth because of their love for each other and how they always come back as new people in the world and struggle to find each other and remember that they have lived past lives and are in love. The reason there's no book cover on this book is because I read it so much that it's pointless to keep it on. I'm not one of those people that can just watch a movie I love once and so I'm also not one of those people that can just read a book they love once either. I've read this one probably around fifteen times since I got it three years ago. Yeah, Obsessed. At the end of this book they give you a website that correlates with the story and you can find out if you too have lived a past life. The probability for me having lived any past lives: very high. How fun is that?!

Time for a book I did not enjoy

That's not a smile, that's a rather disgusted look on my face even though it's hard to tell. I bought this book not to long ago because I was looking for another captivating love story to inspire me. Fail. While I'm all for the concept of relating music to a memory or to a person you love/like or even hate (cue Taylor Swift), I don't feel like this book did it well. It was very sad and sort of droned on. The main character is a man who recalls the dead love of his life in mix tapes they made for each other. He talks about each song on each tape and the memory he had of it. The songs aren't even that great honestly. Love is A Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield is a book I'd throw in a garage sale. Maybe make something off of it to go buy a better book.

Life lesson: You don't lend books to your boyfriends. You will break up. They won't give your shit back. Two books I loved and lost:

The Kid & The CEO by Tom Pace was gifted to me by my grandmother when I was going through a rough adolescent stage. She thought it would teach me some valuable life lessons that I wasn't absorbing at the time. It did, it really did just that. I learned so much about life and the challenges that we all inevitably face and how to deal. I also learned the value of different relationships in your life, learning how to let go of what or who is toxic, and improving your relationship with yourself. You could read this book at any age and learn from it. I thought that a boyfriend could do the same evidently. If I ever plan to read this book again, it's going to have to come out of my own pocket. My grandmother had even written a sweet sentimental note in the cover. Lets all take a moment to hate on our exes.
Secondly, Scar Tissue. Do you guys recognize that guys face or name at all? Maybe a few of you will. Anthony Kiedis is the lead singer of the band Red Hot Chili Peppers. They became my all time favorite band after reading this autobiography, (the fact that their music is pretty great doesn't hurt either.) This book took me by the hands and pulled out an immense amount of emotions and memories that I sometimes forget I have by choice. A lot of Anthony's past is tragic and regrettable and really shows how a person survives that. I have to confess that this book was lent to me by an ex first, read by me many times, kept after a break up, and re-lent to one of my exes. Who would have known books would play such a role in my love life?

I've read the book A Child Called It several times and I know many, many others have too. One book that's lesser known but has the same feel is Sickened.

This was a purchase made earlier this year when I was looking for inspiration for writing since I thought I had enough of a life story to start writing an autobiography of my own. Sadly and happily, I don't. Sickened is a true story about a girls life with a mother who does a bizarre form of abuse to her. This book had lots of feels. Initially when I read it I found myself relating to it so much that I thought I had made a life discovery. I was mistaken, but it did force me to open up my own wounds and past and fit some pieces together. It took me a while to get through this book even though it's only 244 pages long. The truth is sometimes it was hard to pick up. It was hard to read about what this girl had been put through and why. And it was hard to deal with my own issues that opened up with it. I finally did finish it right before fall started this year. I can't say I hated this book for what it made me feel. Namely, depressed. But I appreciate what I took from it so greatly. If you did enjoy reading A Child Called It, I think you would enjoy this book as well.

On a lighter note, here's my guilty pleasure!

This is a young readers series that I feel like is seriously overlooked and understated. I've read all the Gossip Girl books and all the spin off books from GG. I've read The A List books. I've read the Pretty Little Liars books. Any many other series that are basically the same. But this. The Private Novels by Kate Brian (I just got shivers.) We all love those guilty pleasure book turned TV show, superficial, dramatic, girly books, well at least girls do, and this is my favorite of them all. Sadly I don't think this will turn into a CW or even a ABC Family show because it's been made into a [crappy] web series that destroys the books even more than a TV show would. The books are about your well known, over privileged teens who are at an exclusive private boarding school. At this school they have formed some what of an elite "sorority" that girls would kill to be in. Literally. This book is about girls killing each other. I mean, that's a lot more blunt than it actually is but that's the gist of it. It's a suspense series. (I'm jumping up and down thinking about how thrilling it is to read.) It also has a spin off that I've read as well. Towards the end of this series, the last book and later released prequel, it takes a turn for more of a supernatural type story, which didn't make much sense to me but since the other novels are so wonderful, I'm forgiving. This series has ended but that doesn't stop me from rereading all fourteen of them. Kate Brian is a wonderful writer for girls around my age, give or take ten years. She has lots of other great books that my mother and I have read together in the past.

And that about wraps it up for right now even though there is a hundred more books I could pour my soul over. It is hard for me to find books I don't like just because I'm typically a person who loves to absorb all kinds of knowledge even if it has no real benefit for me. If you guys liked this post and want more recommendations let me know! If you want to know what books I read to Liv let me know also. She's becoming an avid reader just like her mommy. Links to all the books (even the one I don't recommend) are below.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

The Eternal Ones

Love is A Mix Tape otherwise you can just have my copy

Mentor: The Kid & The CEO

Scar Tissue

Sickened

The Private Novels