Every night after laying Liv down for bed, I begin to talk to myself in my mind. I would say that I'm a lunatic but I know for a fact that the common mom does this same thing. What I talk to myself about is what I want to talk to you guys about actually. I think about the things I'd like to say for you guys to pick up on, things that will help me by getting them out. I like to grow through the words that I use to express what I'm going through. Writing, to me, isn't just that I like to write because it helps me when I'm upset or fun to do, it's what helps me become the person I strive to be.
I find such a deep connection in the written thoughts of others. My heart expands and I sympathize and it inspires me. I can read a simple two sentenced quote and turn the meaning of it into an essay easily. I get carried away in my emotions and I allow them to run wild. If you guys connect to the words I write here, just imagine the kinds of things I write solely to the people I love. This of course is my number one coping skill.
While I can't be entirely sure, I want to say that this developed from my mother. When I was younger we'd often have fights but they would turn into heartfelt moments of honesty, that sometimes lasted hours at a time, and we would find some kind of closure in them. Every time this happened I would find myself a little bit more.
I spent a lot of time on my own growing up. Partly because I was almost always grounded and then later in my teenage years, once I became so used to being grounded I wouldn't even bother to come out even when I wasn't. My mother and father said it was me secluding myself and it was, it still is, but it's what I became comfortable with. While I spent so much time by myself, I'd be thinking and writing in my mind, and I would reach a new level of self awareness almost every other day. I'm a person that has spent a lot of time with herself and that is my strength and that is also my weakness. As you guys have seen, sometimes I stay inside my own head so much that it causes a depression so deep that it takes control of my whole life for seasons long.
This is where the hard times in my life truly do lie, and I want to focus on how I cope with that. A lot of the time it's rather simple things that I just take more seriously than other people typically would.
Music has always been in my soul. It's a common thing for people with bipolar disorder to find more of a connection to anything artistic and hands on. In fact everything about the world is more. More than simple thoughts and easy fun. When I'm listening to music I go through a process of feeling like this is altering my life and my mind. These words are connecting with my emotions and showing me another path to walk down. When I find a song that I like I will usually listen to it for years. I relate the most to the heartbroken and in fact there are more songs written about heart break than anything else; like falling in love or hooking up, etc. So I spend a lot of time with Adele, Taylor Swift, Anna Nalkic, John Mayer, Lana Del Rey, and Ed Sheeran. But I also need to be lifted up and so I'll go for any genre at all and refrain from limiting myself.
I've chosen one thing in my life where I allow myself to be spoiled. It's so simple it's almost silly. I take baths. On a rough day maybe even twice. And I do everything in my power to make it more enjoyable each time. I buy seasonal candles, bath oils, face masks, sponges and exfoliaters, and lush soaps. I don't always buy the most expensive products but I don't feel like I need to, I just buy smart. For example, I but Burt's Bees shampoos and conditioners because they are clean and citrusy witch helps calm the mind. I buy body washes that smell warm and toasty rather than springy and fresh because it helps with relaxation. I was my face with a prescription for my lupus with cold water instead of warm water because it wakes up skin cells and helps brighten under my eyes. Sometimes I'll bring a bowl of fruit with me, or a cup of hot tea and a bottle of water, because believe it or not, baths actually dehydrate your body. And I'll spend an hour in a bath even if I'm not doing anything at all. That is my serenity. Door locked, lights off, candles on, soft music, and body soaking.
Lately I haven't been reading as much as I normally do with it being such a hectic time in my life right now. But I absolutely enjoy getting lost in the world of a book. It's like putting your life aside and becoming the main character. It also helps inspire me to write my own books which is the ultimate goal for me in my life.
I talk to my closest friend Chris. Chris is the closest thing I have to a soulmate but in a friend way. I am so immensely grateful to have him in my life. We have no boundaries with each other and anything I would say to another female I can say to him. He never wants anything from me, he never begs for my attention or dotes on the time spans that we don't talk. We are just there when we bed each other and there when we are at ease. I have never felt more comfortable opening up to a person than I have with him. And I feel so fortunate to have a male best friend that can offer a perspective that I don't normally see. And then also to have a male friend who has never tried to go beyond being a friend is so relieving in a way. I am so lucky that he is with a girl that is so kind and doesn't feel threatened by him having a close relationship with me. My heart goes out to the both of them. Chris can help me cope with anything at all.
I drive. Some times it's three in the morning and my mind has kept me awake and I need a release so I get up and get in the car and I just drive. I'll get on a high way and drive for about a dozen miles and turn around. No mater what my troubles always seem to become insignificant when it's late at night and I'm alone and I am driving. Maybe I'll be belting a song or two also. I just drive.
Sitting down on the ground is something that I've been doing since I was really, really young. Sometimes I'll just go sit on the floor in the bathroom or kitchen with the lights off. Or in the middle of the grass outside by myself. I don't know what it is about it but it makes me let go.
I guess over all, I'm definitely an introvert. I don't cope by going out or getting away to have fun. As a matter of a fact I don't even like to go out unless I'm with a guy that I'm really into. I'm not one to just want to go party with friends for a good time. I'd rather stay at home and rewatch Harry Potter movies or cook meatloaf.
I love be able to tell you guys more about myself, these are my favorite type if blog requests! Everyone have a safe and simple weekend!
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