Break Time

Taking a hiatus from blogging while life is crazy. I'll be back when I feel more stable. Love all. 

Growing is Changing: New Years or Not

Ive never actually made a New Years resolution. So one of my resolutions was to actually do the damn thing. Some of them are as simple as throwing out old socks and buying new ones and quit buying crappy coffee. Some of them are fun like going somewhere I've never been before or finally watching Scandal. And some of them are harder, like trying to break the habit of talking about my troubles. 

I really hate all of the negative energy that people put into New Years. Even I'm guilty. Whether is downing the last year or telling everyone else that they will never be better in the new year, I mean, why shouldn't we look forward to all reinventing a better us. That's hope. Why is everyone so determined to not hold onto hope. 

I for one hope that at the end of this year I won't be slamming it for all the shitty things that may or may not take place. Honestly I need a fresh start more than I probably even realize. I've finally managed a little bit of wiggle room in my life to do what I need to do for me. That's incredibly thrilling. Do not kill my vibe. 

I still want to push my honest and raw emotions out there for you all to relate to, but please don't be surprised to find me looking for the positive more often. I think it's due time. 

If you don't know much about astrology any deeper than what your sign is, I strongly encourage you to look into it. It's what I suppose you could say a hobby of mine because it opens up a world that feels like the closest thing we will ever see to magic. Astrology can dive so much deeper than a monthly or daily prediction sounding like something you will find in a fortune cookie. If you're looking for the proper information you can find out so much more about you that will give you comfort with in the answers. One of my favorite concepts is The Return of Saturn. Which basically incases when troubled times will come in your life and what you should prepare for. Right now. In my very early twenties I'm approaching my 3/4 Saturn return cycle which is a heavy weight realizing the future and also supposed to be when I let go of some of the things from my childhood. Actually, I'm saying I, when in fact this is the same for everyone at the ages 20 and 21. We all have life altering points were we grow, some more intence (raises hand) and some more subtle and easy. And this just provides an explination that may or may not be real but I couldn't give a flying fuck any way. I go with it. 

So this year will change me no matter which way I'm looking at it. Maybe just because I believe it will. 

Why I Validate This Year Sucking

This is a dramatic rant, yes, but there's no way to put this shit light heartily. This is an over all explanation of why I feel like 2013 was a massive loss of a year for me. Now listen, I'm not trying to be ungrateful for what I have today, because sure, I could always have it worse, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, other people having it worse will always happen, but that's no excuse to downplay your own shit. Be happy about good things, but it's healthy to also be sad, pissed off, struggling. Those are human emotions that we are all entitled to express. And not doing so can be so unhealthy that it can drive you mad. 

So let me begin.

At the start of this year Nick and I had agreed on divorce for time number one. I felt liberated, for that I'll be happy. I felt so happy that in fact I starting seeing someone else, Nick was doing the same, and we weren't lying to each other about it, we were well aware. 

I was breast feeding Liv and therefore I was not on birth control (I am now this won't ever happen again." And so I got pregnant... and freaked out. New guy (who's simultaneously an ex guy) was great and fun but was he ready to play daddy? Let's call that a rocky start to the year. 

In the second month of the year Nick wanted to reconcile but didn't know I was pregnant yet. He wanted so badly to make our family a family again. I'm open for the negativity that's bound to spawn out of this. Because I too was ashamed when I said okay. I will be honest, I will be so honest to let you know who I really am, a young human being that fucks up. I really fuck up. Life is such a learning curve and it's hard enough to judge yourself on how you feel about your mistakes without the grief from everyone else but I'm not naive. That happens. The only satisfaction I can give to the people who are determined to do so, is don't follow my life. It won't bring you happiness to dote on my mistakes. Find your happiness somewhere not within me. And to that people that want to see me prevail, my heart beats for you, because you keep me growing and you want to know what I do to become a better person.  

So here I am in February agreeing to what I know will most likely be a massive heart ache. Not so much for me as him. Let's call this a loss on my part. 

Third month comes and we move to San Antonio where I'm leaving my only home, my support system, the people that I love to support Nick in his dream. I owed that a shot. We get our first place in this month which was beyond exciting. So grateful for that new chapter in life. And we are working on us. When I think we are strong enough, I sit down with Nick and come clean. I mean, of course I would. 

He wanted the reality of it to be different so bad. He wanted our family to be ours. No way of blaming him. He wanted to claim the child but that's just impossibly unfair. And so when the truth was told we felt the divorce coming back in full force. But again, that was relieving. I don't know whether to call this a win or loss but I'm sure you have an idea. 

It was May when our separation began. It was May when we were organizing new futures. And it was May when Liv had her first birthday that we were ecstatic about. 

Still the stress of reality that this was my fault was in every breath I took. Don't pity me, I don't even pity myself, I'm just here to relay the shit that went down. Nick was always forgiving but each time he loved me less. And I'm not sure that I ever did at all. We were in this together to give Liv a shot at having a happy loving family. We were making our own selves miserable in the process. 

I couldn't manage the way he was such a negative person from the day we entered our relationship for the first time. I couldn't manage the way we made no connection with each other and so he'd ignore me but expect me to follow his own goals around. I couldn't mange how he'd rather stare at naked girls on a computer screen than hold my hand from the very start. Neither of us were happy or perfect or part of perfect. 

In June... The baby was gone. What caused it was not even relevant. There was so much pressure so much stress and I was really sick. Fighting with Nick, fighting with the babies father, fighting with myself. I let go, I lost it for weeks and I'd cry and it didn't help that people were so kind because there was nothing I could do about it. I stayed in bed June and most of July. This is a loss in every since of the word. 

Later in July when I couldn't stop getting sick I went to my primary care physician only to get a call back a couple weeks later that I had an auto immune decease called lupus. This instilled so much fear in me and I had trouble finding out what it would mean. A lot of people go through chemotherapy to treat lupus. It's a life long condition that I will always have to battle. Overwhelming loss.   

My birthday was approaching and I needed to get away from my sinking reality. I had someone who was like a best friend to me that I suppose I was into. That was encouraging but definitely not the proper time. When I took my vaca back to my home I was thrilled but weighed down at the same time. I couldn't help but want to let go, but I also couldn't help feeling so conflicted. Where the hell was I supposed to go in life from here? How would I succeed? 

I knew my best shot was being in the place that I loved. Where my support system had my back, my front, my sides, you name it. It was adventurous and dreamlike and I decided to stay. I got two jobs immediately. Something that Nick made impossible to do in San Antonio, I was now doing. Happy as a queen bee. But I was getting stung left and right. My birthday was the worst, my friendships took a turn for the worst, Best friends were going far, far away, I was of course missing my baby dearly, but the divorce was in action, I was dating and not focusing on me.  

The plan was simply this: work, work, work, get a safe place that welcomed Liv, get her, and start new. 

But I was impulsive and irrational and a mother that had spent every second of her child's life with them becomes devastated when you can no longer see or speak to them. Which was exactly what Nick had taken away from me. Loss. 

Raising her on his own was impossible for him to handle and I was fearful. So we both agreed upon me going back, me doing what really needed to be done, which was nothing but taking care of Liv. 

I made no real social connection with anyone in San Antonio out of the eight months I spent there. I met a few people but none that I would think about twice. Nick and I lived like roommates and I guess that wasn't the worst. We started marriage consoling but that got us no where except for me to find out that I needed desperately to work on myself. 

The more I began the more I saw this whirlwind of shit that seemed impossible to escape. "Nick can I go to school?" No. I can't right now. He's not providing childcare because fuck that shit. I am the childcare. And he wants to go to school. "Nick can I just have some "me" time." No. We don't need to be spending money on that. "Nick can we get involved with the community." Sure. But that's a lie because he was too busy ignoring me to look into it. Sitting at home on video games was MUCH more important. "Can I just get a job!?" Only if I work nights after tending to the baby all day and live with out sleep at all. Losing my grip and my mind. 

I spent September and October while the season changed in a massive depression. I wanted more out of life. I wanted passion and adventure, I just wanted to be me. The me that can be impulsive and make naive mistakes and leave room to learn and grow out of them. 

I felt so alone. So trapped. So negative. And you guys know from previous posts how this story goes. I tried to overdose. While Nick sat there beside me and waited for me to die. In 2013 I nearly lost my life. If it wasn't for calling my mother for what I thought would be one last time, one last "I love you," I would have drifted away into noting. She felt my pain, she knew how low I was, and she made the call to save me although I had no desire to be saved. 

And I'm in a bed then, listening to my inner voice talk about how my life has passed me by in large increments in such a short span of time. Twenty years only. Twenty years of all my mistakes that I thought I was learning from but instead I was only burning my bridges. 

So I wrote. I pulled up the internet and I created what you're now reading and I poured out my heart and soul and I gave you the truth, the good truths and the incredibly bad truths. 

And I moved. And I took my baby with me. And began struggling to let my family become my support system they were always meant to be, but I had denied them to be. 

And I had days were I would sit in a bath of warm water going cold and I would cry out loudly for it to all stop. When my mother would walk into the room to hold her babies body and wrap it up in a towel because I couldn't manage it. And I gave her all the resentment inside of me I could manage to spill out. 

Crying until I was exhausted enough to let sleep take me. 

And she taught me that I needed to look around and see what I did have. And to try. My life wasn't what it had been anymore. I need to forgive and allow myself to become better, allow the other people in my life the opportunity to show me unconditional love with out holding onto the past. Stop burning my damn bridges. Stop fucking running away. 

I don't know much about the future. I don't know much about what's going to happen in 2014. I roll my eyes at the thought of a new me and that bullshit but to survive, I'm going to have to try. 

I'm going to have the opportunity here to work and thrive and write and go to school, support myself and my baby girl. And who the hell cares about the shit from my past anymore. Hey world, I fucked up. And it was dramatic and it might always be as next year passes by. 

But I don't look too much at my future anymore. I don't bother to look back in my past. I'm living day by day, sometimes hour by hour if I can't manage that. I'm living for what's going to make me happy.

Happy New Year and may it bring you everything you never thought you'd live to see. 

Coping Skills

This weeks Blog Request Wednesday comes from a woman who has been bottling kindness for sale. When I was pregnant with Liv she brought me loads of hand-me-downs that I didn't even yet know I would need and I'm so glad for it. She didn't really even know me, she just knew of me, and to reach a helping hand out to anyone just because you think they may like it, is in my eyes, the single greatest attribute any person can ever have. That's compassionate. My heart and all of its contents goes out to Samantha and she would like to read about my coping skills. And I would love to share them with all of my readers.
Every night after laying Liv down for bed, I begin to talk to myself in my mind. I would say that I'm a lunatic but I know for a fact that the common mom does this same thing. What I talk to myself about is what I want to talk to you guys about actually. I think about the things I'd like to say for you guys to pick up on, things that will help me by getting them out. I like to grow through the words that I use to express what I'm going through. Writing, to me, isn't just that I like to write because it helps me when I'm upset or fun to do, it's what helps me become the person I strive to be.
I find such a deep connection in the written thoughts of others. My heart expands and I sympathize and it inspires me. I can read a simple two sentenced quote and turn the meaning of it into an essay easily. I get carried away in my emotions and I allow them to run wild. If you guys connect to the words I write here, just imagine the kinds of things I write solely to the people I love. This of course is my number one coping skill.
While I can't be entirely sure, I want to say that this developed from my mother. When I was younger we'd often have fights but they would turn into heartfelt moments of honesty, that sometimes lasted hours at a time, and we would find some kind of closure in them. Every time this happened I would find myself a little bit more.
I spent a lot of time on my own growing up. Partly because I was almost always grounded and then later in my teenage years, once I became so used to being grounded I wouldn't even bother to come out even when I wasn't. My mother and father said it was me secluding myself and it was, it still is, but it's what I became comfortable with. While I spent so much time by myself, I'd be thinking and writing in my mind, and I would reach a new level of self awareness almost every other day. I'm a person that has spent a lot of time with herself and that is my strength and that is also my weakness. As you guys have seen, sometimes I stay inside my own head so much that it causes a depression so deep that it takes control of my whole life for seasons long.
This is where the hard times in my life truly do lie, and I want to focus on how I cope with that. A lot of the time it's rather simple things that I just take more seriously than other people typically would.
Music has always been in my soul. It's a common thing for people with bipolar disorder to find more of a connection to anything artistic and hands on. In fact everything about the world is more. More than simple thoughts and easy fun. When I'm listening to music I go through a process of feeling like this is altering my life and my mind. These words are connecting with my emotions and showing me another path to walk down. When I find a song that I like I will usually listen to it for years. I relate the most to the heartbroken and in fact there are more songs written about heart break than anything else; like falling in love or hooking up, etc. So I spend a lot of time with Adele, Taylor Swift, Anna Nalkic, John Mayer, Lana Del Rey, and Ed Sheeran. But I also need to be lifted up and so I'll go for any genre at all and refrain from limiting myself.
I've chosen one thing in my life where I allow myself to be spoiled. It's so simple it's almost silly. I take baths. On a rough day maybe even twice. And I do everything in my power to make it more enjoyable each time. I buy seasonal candles, bath oils, face masks, sponges and exfoliaters, and lush soaps. I don't always buy the most expensive products but I don't feel like I need to, I just buy smart. For example, I but Burt's Bees shampoos and conditioners because they are clean and citrusy witch helps calm the mind. I buy body washes that smell warm and toasty rather than springy and fresh because it helps with relaxation. I was my face with a prescription for my lupus with cold water instead of warm water because it wakes up skin cells and helps brighten under my eyes. Sometimes I'll bring a bowl of fruit with me, or a cup of hot tea and a bottle of water, because believe it or not, baths actually dehydrate your body. And I'll spend an hour in a bath even if I'm not doing anything at all. That is my serenity. Door locked, lights off, candles on, soft music, and body soaking.
Lately I haven't been reading as much as I normally do with it being such a hectic time in my life right now. But I absolutely enjoy getting lost in the world of a book. It's like putting your life aside and becoming the main character. It also helps inspire me to write my own books which is the ultimate goal for me in my life.
I talk to my closest friend Chris. Chris is the closest thing I have to a soulmate but in a friend way. I am so immensely grateful to have him in my life. We have no boundaries with each other and anything I would say to another female I can say to him. He never wants anything from me, he never begs for my attention or dotes on the time spans that we don't talk. We are just there when we bed each other and there when we are at ease. I have never felt more comfortable opening up to a person than I have with him. And I feel so fortunate to have a male best friend that can offer a perspective that I don't normally see. And then also to have a male friend who has never tried to go beyond being a friend is so relieving in a way. I am so lucky that he is with a girl that is so kind and doesn't feel threatened by him having a close relationship with me. My heart goes out to the both of them. Chris can help me cope with anything at all.
I drive. Some times it's three in the morning and my mind has kept me awake and I need a release so I get up and get in the car and I just drive. I'll get on a high way and drive for about a dozen miles and turn around. No mater what my troubles always seem to become insignificant when it's late at night and I'm alone and I am driving. Maybe I'll be belting a song or two also. I just drive.
Sitting down on the ground is something that I've been doing since I was really, really young. Sometimes I'll just go sit on the floor in the bathroom or kitchen with the lights off. Or in the middle of the grass outside by myself. I don't know what it is about it but it makes me let go.
I guess over all, I'm definitely an introvert. I don't cope by going out or getting away to have fun. As a matter of a fact I don't even like to go out unless I'm with a guy that I'm really into. I'm not one to just want to go party with friends for a good time. I'd rather stay at home and rewatch Harry Potter movies or cook meatloaf.
I love be able to tell you guys more about myself, these are my favorite type if blog requests! Everyone have a safe and simple weekend!

Heart & Mind

Trying to figure out when a good time to pick myself up off the floor and wipe away my resentment is. I received lots of encouraging messages after my last post and I think it's put all of my problems into a broader perspective for me. It feels as if I am looking at myself in third person right now and I can depict what is wrong. I see all the relationships around me, family, romantic, and friends.  

To start, I honestly feel as if I will never heal or move on so long as I'm around the people who have done so much damage to me. I not just want, but I need to be with no one but my daughter. 

Family

- I'm not on my own, I'm with my mom who was supposed to be helping me after all the recent trauma. The problem with my mom and I is, no matter how much we love each other, we still manage to hate each other more. We see nothing the same. I can't understand her feelings and she can't understand mine. How can this possibly be helping me. 

- I need to let go of the pain I hold in my heart about my dads. They will never be what I want or need and I have to accept that.

- My brother and I aren't ever going to have a relationship. I have to let go of this fake future where we are magically so wonderful being brother and sister. The kindest thing we ever did for each other was throw temper tantrums to distract my dads attention when one of us was getting beaten too much, so he would go after the other. We don't live that life anymore, it's not a battle and we don't need each other that way anymore. 

Romantic 

- I was so completely desperate to throw the life I had with my parents away and start a new one where I couldn't feel broken anymore. I am always feeling like I'm stuck in life and I guess this is the "point the finger at yourself" moment when I know it should have slowed down with my life at eighteen. I loved being a mom and a military wife and taking care of my own home. I just didn't really love the person who was supposed to be my partner. And that's why I should have slowed down. 

- I need to learn from this. I know how wonderful it can be to be young and on your own and feel like the person you're with will be worth spending all your life with, how giddy it feels to announce to your friends that you're engaged and planning a wedding, and how magical it is to fantasize about having children some day. But if there's anything I've learned, it's to take time for yourself first. You, reading this, don't have to be where I'm standing at, you have the liberty of learning from my mistakes as I write them so bluntly in black and white for you. 

- If I ever decided I wanted to marry again, I will be spending six years with that person first, three of those years actually living together. If our relationship can't survive that, then it damn sure can't survive a marriage. People change, we grow, and that shouldn't be looked at as an awful thing. "She used to be my best friend but she's changed," "We used to be in love but he's changed." Everyone has to change, that's how we grow. Expect yourself to change and expect the person that you think you want to spend your life with to change too. 

For me, I think that six years of time is allowing enough change to occur to know if it's worthwhile. The first year, you see a person that you like and you want to spend a lot of time with. The second year, you have a young love and you've most likely worked through a few fights. The third year, you really start to see that person. You see them when they're under stress and hungry. You see what annoys you more prominently. If it comes naturally after that, then you should think about progressing your relationship, which is the fourth year move in. When you move in with someone (friend, lover, unknown roommate) the first year is the hardest. You came from two different lifestyles and backgrounds and they will occasionally collide. Someone may think it's okay to keep the TV on all night and the other person may be more Eco friendly. There's endless instances here. There's going to be fights and arguments, life isn't as glorious as a fifty shades novel. In year five you get more comfortable just like in year three. Then in year six, you know. You can look at all you've made it through, maybe a loss in a family, maybe a career promotion and adjusting to it, so many things at this point. Another habit I won't be making if I ever decided to get married again is that I wouldn't ask. I wouldn't discuss whether or not we're going to get married. I don't need a roadmap of my life, I need to loosen the grip that I have around it. I'd rather be completely surprised by a proposal than know it's coming. Ignorance is bliss. 

- And lastly, the hardest of everything for me... I have to let go of all of my past relationships and except that they are over. I need to let them go. 

Friends

- I certainly don't dislike any of my current friends but maybe there comes a point in time where I have to let them go. Everyone has a different path and some times your friends are taking the complete opposite path than you are. And I can't hang on to the time that we were walking together forever. If the issue is feeling like I don't connect with anyone then why should I stay in an unhappy friendship? 

- I can't close the world down just because I was closed off from it. There are people out there that do get it. I hate to say I'm looking for more of the broken but the truth is, misery loves company and I need to be able to relate to someone. 

If I just instill these things into my head then I can pick myself up and move forward. I can find a happier me, I can see better days. And I have to focus on me, I can't take on anyone else's shit right now. I need time allowed to be selfish for bettering me. This is my journey. 

It's Only Life

I cried today. I was a sobbing mess, let me tell you. 

I had my patience tested to the end with Liv. This last week she's decided she doesn't want to eat anything I give her. She barely touches her favorite foods. She won't take fruits or vegetables or meats, and God knows I don't want to fill her up with snacks. 

We have both been adjusting to me being a single parent and while I pretty much was even while I was with Nick, on the days when I had taken on so much I could just scream and rip my hair from the roots, Nick would understand and step in. 

This week I've been at my wits end several times but I didn't show my extreme distress until today while I was out running errands with my mother. And she did give me a ten minute break and I know she wants to help but she also simultaneously has to take care of her life and the other people in it. 

It's the most overwhelming feeling to be taking on all of my personal distress while learning how to parent alone. I'm glad I'm not writing this here on paper with ink because it would be tear stained. 

As I took my ten minute break that was actually a break down and felt incabable, I reached for my phone to call Livs dad and express what I was going through with his daughter and silence and excuses were ringing in my ears from the other side of the line. I couldn't beg for help and relief enough but those were two things that couldn't be given and so the conversation ended abruptly. 

And I sunk a little, I was tired. I was frustrated. But I knew that little girl needed me to love her unconditionally. 

Elivia is going to do this, she's going to have bad days, she's going to have rough patches. 

And I can cry if I need to. I can sit and cry for ten minutes and then not allow myself anymore. Cut it off. And I can be determined not to cry again for the same reason. I can feel angry as long as I don't take it out on other people. I can feel overwhelmed as long as I remember that I am a woman with a child that needs me, and there are so many other women in this world that have mastered what I'm embarking on with minimal complaining. My heart salutes those strong women. 

So I coped by pulling my best friend (my iPone) out and punching these little keys to tell myself, and to tell all of you, that rough days do not equal a rough life. It's hard, oh God it's so hard but we can persevere. The world should remember all of the women that continued even when they thought they couldn't. There's no need to follow in misseries footsteps. I'm working so diligently on bettering myself. Not just for me but also for my daughter. I don't have to be so fragile. None of us do. 

And after all of that, we should always remember, it's only life. 

Liv, Me, & The Orange Tree

Liv and I took a little stroll out to an orange tree this morning. A very, very little stroll since the tree is located in my mothers large backyard. Big for Liv though.

She really enjoyed picking her own bright colored oranges. 

I enjoyed the sunlight and took full advantage of being the Selfie Queen. 

We came back in to slice up and orange for Liv to snack on. 

But she wasn't having it and she hurdled them at my face instead. No photos of that, I'm not sorry. Later on Liv got to try out her most favorite toy from Santa this year, her four wheeler.

Also sporting an outfit she got for Christmas from her Nana. 

This morning was not too shabby. 

Hope you all have a wonderful day after Christmas and enjoy everything you've received!