So now I am choosing to talk about why Nick and I have decided to get a divorce and what has lead to it. I have to be upfront about that fact that our love was never intentional or romantic. I am well aware that what people want and like to read about is the fairytale, but this just isn't. This is the truth. And if it's really upsetting to you, then I strongly encourage you to live your life differently from mine without harsh criticism of what I have already done. All I can do is be better in the future, but right now I'm going to speak on behalf of my past.
Admittedly, I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. But even so, I've been in relationship after relationship since I was in the third grade, serious relationships or not. The point is, I haven't ever really taken the time for myself. I guess the reason behind that is that I felt like I wasn't getting what I needed at home from my parents and I wanted to put the responsibility on someone else to love me and be kind and caring always. My relationships always ended because of course no person can do that always and I felt hurt by that.
And then when I was fifteen I found someone that I wanted to try for, that I would take the good days with the bad for. But fifteen is not a good time to be so serious. I've gone up and down through the motions of what that's resulted in for six years. That person is not Nick. And as upsetting as that might sound to some people, it's not my goal to please everyone, it's my goal to be honest with everyone. And I really can not say I'd even want that person to ever be Nick.
I moved in with Nick when I was seventeen. The reason I had to move in with him was because I quite literally had nowhere to go. I wouldn't have ever thought we would end up in a relationship, but I was so upset with the way my last one had ended that I wasn't even thinking straight. When Nick and I decided to become a couple, these words came from my mouth verbatim, "I will date you, but I am never going to love you." And he accepted that.
But then came my pregnancy and the responsibility that tacked on to it. Don't get me wrong, Elivia is one of the few things I ever feel like I'm doing right. I love being her mother and I adore her with all my heart and more. I wanted to give her a shot at having two parents that were in love and together. But that kind of love never came. Even through it all now, it never came. We loved each other like best friends, but never the way a husband and wife need and want.
Each time it would take its toll on us, I would become frantic to find a way out of it. And ultimately would end up being pulled right back in. For two and a half years of my life I lived in a constant state of unhappiness while desperately trying to convince myself that I was perfectly fine. When I posted anything positive to social media about us, it wasn't so much to convince the rest of the world as it was to convince myself. And I'm so sorry for misleading everyone. This is my best shot at being real now.
We have separated and wanted to divorce three times in the last year alone. One of those times I started seeing other people in hopes that it would give me the strength to completely walk away. But that's not at all the right thing to do. And I know it, but it's gotten harder for me to accept being alone because I haven't for so long. (And while it's hard, this time, I'm doing it anyway.)
One of the people I was seeing was the too serious fifteen year old relationship. Low and behold I did get pregnant again and not very long after, I didn't have that baby inside of me anymore. People must have been horrified and disgusted, I can only imagine. That put my dirty laundry out on the line faster than anything else ever would. But no one could see Nicks and what would even result in me wanting to divorce and to move on the way I was.
Nick and I actually began to hate each other at times. There was a war in our homes and it was never healthy for me, him, or Elivia. He had problems handling me with all of the deep rooted issues I have, as most people usually do.
There's an inner child in me filled with pain. And I've grown exhausted of having to battle it every year of my life. I have a family history of many people who have committed suicide. Some people in this world feel everything deeper than the norm and they live on a continuous roller coaster of emotion. Up and down. And it's so much harder for those people to let go of their pain. And it's usually passed down in generation. And I'm one of those people.
No matter how many times I screamed out for help from Nick and showed how seriously that I just wanted to give up on my life, he didn't and wouldn't help me. Most days he'd hide the car keys and money from me. My job was to stay at home and not have the option of having and real social interaction with anyone. Hence the reason I've been so dedicated to social media for the past few years. I've spent month spans completely alone with a husband that came home and ignored me. I knew no one in the city we lived in. I have never had good relationships with anyone in my family. And I found it hard to connect with the rest of the world, and even to the friends I used to know as a child.
I tried so hard to get out so many times, like I said. Once I went on a trip back to my home and decided to stay and got two jobs immediately and a roommate and I intended to get my own place that was safe for Elivia to come stay at when I was ready to go get her. But eventually I had no support system, Nick said he'd keep her away from me, and I missed my baby so much that I ached in pain just from waking up in the morning.
I later found out that Nick was lying about where she was. He sent her to our home too and left her in the care of his parents and made sure that I didn't find out. I lost all faith and trust in this person. She was there with me but I didn't know. I gave it one more shot because I felt like I couldn't do anything else.
I became so unhappy this last time that it was physically making me sick. And then the day came when I was ready to overdose. All I could think is that my baby girl deserved to be with a future step mom that wasn't so completely destroyed and constantly unhappy, then to spend her life watching me do this for the rest of mine.
So I wrote her a letter to read when she was eighteen. I wrote another letter to the guy that my fifteen year old self could not let go off and I left them on the counter and told Nick what they were. I went into our bathroom and took a good handful of pills and then came out also let Nick know of that. He followed me into our bedroom, I laid down and he sat beside me. And he just waited for something to happen to me and denied that anything would.
I guess that I thought if I was going to go I wanted to speak to my mom first, so I called her. But all of my emotions spilled over and I told her how low I had gotten. I didn't tell her I had taken the pills but what I said was enough for her to urge me to go to the E.R. anyway. She's been through things like this with me as a child.
I really didn't want to, I really was just exhausted of living the way I was. Of being so completely shattered on the inside from six years old. Of both of my dads (biological and step) completely abandoning me when they were supposed to be the men in my life to love me unconditionally. Of the memories of my dad beating the shit out of me and my little brother, wrapping his hands around my throat and staring into my eyes, and nobody helping us ever, nobody believing. Of my mother wiping her hands of what mess we were always in to go across the country to start a new life that didn't concern me or my brother and calling it our faults. Of my friends that I considered my support system being fair-weather, hearing my stories and brushing them off. Of being with someone who I never thought I'd end up with because he was so awful and opposite of me. Of not being able to heal.
But I went. Because well I guess within my future I saw hope. Even if most of it was all completely impossible fantasies, it looked like hope. And I survived later that night. And I finally got some help from people that did take me seriously.
I started to work on myself more and more. And I did get stronger. But the more I worked on me the more I saw how much my marriage was tearing me down.
The night that I completely snapped was the night I walked into my living room to find my husband who had fallen asleep with his hand down his pants and porn on his phone. This was around the tenth time that this has happened. I became to feel completely worthless to him. So terribly sorry his own dirty laundry is out there now.
I told my mom once again everything I was feeling and she came right away to get me and Elivia. It was serious.
I'm starting all over working on myself and working on my mom and Is relationship. And you have to believe that I have no desire to have life wrecking days, but I do any way. And they hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm not sure I even know how to interact with people in person anymore. I've lived the way I lived for so long that now I lack desire to be around people and start what I find to be pointless conversations. I don't even tell these things to my very best friends. Because quite honestly I got sick of hearing the same useless and unhelpful words from everybody.
"You have such a cute and wonderful daughter to live for." But I was this person before her and having her has changed a lot about me but it can't change everything. It's not a superpower. I lack the ability to feel as optimistic and positive as most people do.
"So many people have much worse problems." Yeah, you're right, it could be worse, it could always be worse. But those people having worse problems doesn't not justify belittling your own. A problem is a problem whether it's little or big and within us is our reaction to it. Mine have rubber band balled for so long that it's hard as hell not to take anything without great impact.
"You're too beautiful to be so sad, just cheer up." This is the one I lose my shit at the most. I can't even begin to explain how that makes me feel. And now I spend my days wishing that what is going on inside of me showed on the outside. I'd give it all up for people to look at me and see me as the demon that I'm always fighting off. Maybe then people would know just how dark and destroyed I feel.
"I'm sorry but I just don't understand what you're going through." I know. I have yet to find a person on this earth that feels or thinks even a little bit similar to what I do.
It's so hard to admit what I'm currently going through. Where I find it therapeutic to be open about the things I've been through way in the past, it's hard to talk about my struggles in the now. Because I'd rather be telling people about how I persevered or concurred my struggles. But honestly, I never really have. It's all just wrapped up inside of me. It's too much for me to handle so how could I ever expect anyone else to handle it.
I'm not telling anyone that you to give a shit about my problems. All I hope to do in this, is provide an explanation.
You should know that I'm restarting working on me again. This time the me without Nick. I think that's why we are both thrilled to see this coming to an end. I am working on making all that hope that I found become a reality. This is a slow process, and sometimes I take steps back, but I am trying. All I can do is try. It doesn't always have to be like this. And I feel hopeful that I will heal.
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