Heart & Mind

Trying to figure out when a good time to pick myself up off the floor and wipe away my resentment is. I received lots of encouraging messages after my last post and I think it's put all of my problems into a broader perspective for me. It feels as if I am looking at myself in third person right now and I can depict what is wrong. I see all the relationships around me, family, romantic, and friends.  

To start, I honestly feel as if I will never heal or move on so long as I'm around the people who have done so much damage to me. I not just want, but I need to be with no one but my daughter. 

Family

- I'm not on my own, I'm with my mom who was supposed to be helping me after all the recent trauma. The problem with my mom and I is, no matter how much we love each other, we still manage to hate each other more. We see nothing the same. I can't understand her feelings and she can't understand mine. How can this possibly be helping me. 

- I need to let go of the pain I hold in my heart about my dads. They will never be what I want or need and I have to accept that.

- My brother and I aren't ever going to have a relationship. I have to let go of this fake future where we are magically so wonderful being brother and sister. The kindest thing we ever did for each other was throw temper tantrums to distract my dads attention when one of us was getting beaten too much, so he would go after the other. We don't live that life anymore, it's not a battle and we don't need each other that way anymore. 

Romantic 

- I was so completely desperate to throw the life I had with my parents away and start a new one where I couldn't feel broken anymore. I am always feeling like I'm stuck in life and I guess this is the "point the finger at yourself" moment when I know it should have slowed down with my life at eighteen. I loved being a mom and a military wife and taking care of my own home. I just didn't really love the person who was supposed to be my partner. And that's why I should have slowed down. 

- I need to learn from this. I know how wonderful it can be to be young and on your own and feel like the person you're with will be worth spending all your life with, how giddy it feels to announce to your friends that you're engaged and planning a wedding, and how magical it is to fantasize about having children some day. But if there's anything I've learned, it's to take time for yourself first. You, reading this, don't have to be where I'm standing at, you have the liberty of learning from my mistakes as I write them so bluntly in black and white for you. 

- If I ever decided I wanted to marry again, I will be spending six years with that person first, three of those years actually living together. If our relationship can't survive that, then it damn sure can't survive a marriage. People change, we grow, and that shouldn't be looked at as an awful thing. "She used to be my best friend but she's changed," "We used to be in love but he's changed." Everyone has to change, that's how we grow. Expect yourself to change and expect the person that you think you want to spend your life with to change too. 

For me, I think that six years of time is allowing enough change to occur to know if it's worthwhile. The first year, you see a person that you like and you want to spend a lot of time with. The second year, you have a young love and you've most likely worked through a few fights. The third year, you really start to see that person. You see them when they're under stress and hungry. You see what annoys you more prominently. If it comes naturally after that, then you should think about progressing your relationship, which is the fourth year move in. When you move in with someone (friend, lover, unknown roommate) the first year is the hardest. You came from two different lifestyles and backgrounds and they will occasionally collide. Someone may think it's okay to keep the TV on all night and the other person may be more Eco friendly. There's endless instances here. There's going to be fights and arguments, life isn't as glorious as a fifty shades novel. In year five you get more comfortable just like in year three. Then in year six, you know. You can look at all you've made it through, maybe a loss in a family, maybe a career promotion and adjusting to it, so many things at this point. Another habit I won't be making if I ever decided to get married again is that I wouldn't ask. I wouldn't discuss whether or not we're going to get married. I don't need a roadmap of my life, I need to loosen the grip that I have around it. I'd rather be completely surprised by a proposal than know it's coming. Ignorance is bliss. 

- And lastly, the hardest of everything for me... I have to let go of all of my past relationships and except that they are over. I need to let them go. 

Friends

- I certainly don't dislike any of my current friends but maybe there comes a point in time where I have to let them go. Everyone has a different path and some times your friends are taking the complete opposite path than you are. And I can't hang on to the time that we were walking together forever. If the issue is feeling like I don't connect with anyone then why should I stay in an unhappy friendship? 

- I can't close the world down just because I was closed off from it. There are people out there that do get it. I hate to say I'm looking for more of the broken but the truth is, misery loves company and I need to be able to relate to someone. 

If I just instill these things into my head then I can pick myself up and move forward. I can find a happier me, I can see better days. And I have to focus on me, I can't take on anyone else's shit right now. I need time allowed to be selfish for bettering me. This is my journey.