Why I Validate This Year Sucking

This is a dramatic rant, yes, but there's no way to put this shit light heartily. This is an over all explanation of why I feel like 2013 was a massive loss of a year for me. Now listen, I'm not trying to be ungrateful for what I have today, because sure, I could always have it worse, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, other people having it worse will always happen, but that's no excuse to downplay your own shit. Be happy about good things, but it's healthy to also be sad, pissed off, struggling. Those are human emotions that we are all entitled to express. And not doing so can be so unhealthy that it can drive you mad. 

So let me begin.

At the start of this year Nick and I had agreed on divorce for time number one. I felt liberated, for that I'll be happy. I felt so happy that in fact I starting seeing someone else, Nick was doing the same, and we weren't lying to each other about it, we were well aware. 

I was breast feeding Liv and therefore I was not on birth control (I am now this won't ever happen again." And so I got pregnant... and freaked out. New guy (who's simultaneously an ex guy) was great and fun but was he ready to play daddy? Let's call that a rocky start to the year. 

In the second month of the year Nick wanted to reconcile but didn't know I was pregnant yet. He wanted so badly to make our family a family again. I'm open for the negativity that's bound to spawn out of this. Because I too was ashamed when I said okay. I will be honest, I will be so honest to let you know who I really am, a young human being that fucks up. I really fuck up. Life is such a learning curve and it's hard enough to judge yourself on how you feel about your mistakes without the grief from everyone else but I'm not naive. That happens. The only satisfaction I can give to the people who are determined to do so, is don't follow my life. It won't bring you happiness to dote on my mistakes. Find your happiness somewhere not within me. And to that people that want to see me prevail, my heart beats for you, because you keep me growing and you want to know what I do to become a better person.  

So here I am in February agreeing to what I know will most likely be a massive heart ache. Not so much for me as him. Let's call this a loss on my part. 

Third month comes and we move to San Antonio where I'm leaving my only home, my support system, the people that I love to support Nick in his dream. I owed that a shot. We get our first place in this month which was beyond exciting. So grateful for that new chapter in life. And we are working on us. When I think we are strong enough, I sit down with Nick and come clean. I mean, of course I would. 

He wanted the reality of it to be different so bad. He wanted our family to be ours. No way of blaming him. He wanted to claim the child but that's just impossibly unfair. And so when the truth was told we felt the divorce coming back in full force. But again, that was relieving. I don't know whether to call this a win or loss but I'm sure you have an idea. 

It was May when our separation began. It was May when we were organizing new futures. And it was May when Liv had her first birthday that we were ecstatic about. 

Still the stress of reality that this was my fault was in every breath I took. Don't pity me, I don't even pity myself, I'm just here to relay the shit that went down. Nick was always forgiving but each time he loved me less. And I'm not sure that I ever did at all. We were in this together to give Liv a shot at having a happy loving family. We were making our own selves miserable in the process. 

I couldn't manage the way he was such a negative person from the day we entered our relationship for the first time. I couldn't manage the way we made no connection with each other and so he'd ignore me but expect me to follow his own goals around. I couldn't mange how he'd rather stare at naked girls on a computer screen than hold my hand from the very start. Neither of us were happy or perfect or part of perfect. 

In June... The baby was gone. What caused it was not even relevant. There was so much pressure so much stress and I was really sick. Fighting with Nick, fighting with the babies father, fighting with myself. I let go, I lost it for weeks and I'd cry and it didn't help that people were so kind because there was nothing I could do about it. I stayed in bed June and most of July. This is a loss in every since of the word. 

Later in July when I couldn't stop getting sick I went to my primary care physician only to get a call back a couple weeks later that I had an auto immune decease called lupus. This instilled so much fear in me and I had trouble finding out what it would mean. A lot of people go through chemotherapy to treat lupus. It's a life long condition that I will always have to battle. Overwhelming loss.   

My birthday was approaching and I needed to get away from my sinking reality. I had someone who was like a best friend to me that I suppose I was into. That was encouraging but definitely not the proper time. When I took my vaca back to my home I was thrilled but weighed down at the same time. I couldn't help but want to let go, but I also couldn't help feeling so conflicted. Where the hell was I supposed to go in life from here? How would I succeed? 

I knew my best shot was being in the place that I loved. Where my support system had my back, my front, my sides, you name it. It was adventurous and dreamlike and I decided to stay. I got two jobs immediately. Something that Nick made impossible to do in San Antonio, I was now doing. Happy as a queen bee. But I was getting stung left and right. My birthday was the worst, my friendships took a turn for the worst, Best friends were going far, far away, I was of course missing my baby dearly, but the divorce was in action, I was dating and not focusing on me.  

The plan was simply this: work, work, work, get a safe place that welcomed Liv, get her, and start new. 

But I was impulsive and irrational and a mother that had spent every second of her child's life with them becomes devastated when you can no longer see or speak to them. Which was exactly what Nick had taken away from me. Loss. 

Raising her on his own was impossible for him to handle and I was fearful. So we both agreed upon me going back, me doing what really needed to be done, which was nothing but taking care of Liv. 

I made no real social connection with anyone in San Antonio out of the eight months I spent there. I met a few people but none that I would think about twice. Nick and I lived like roommates and I guess that wasn't the worst. We started marriage consoling but that got us no where except for me to find out that I needed desperately to work on myself. 

The more I began the more I saw this whirlwind of shit that seemed impossible to escape. "Nick can I go to school?" No. I can't right now. He's not providing childcare because fuck that shit. I am the childcare. And he wants to go to school. "Nick can I just have some "me" time." No. We don't need to be spending money on that. "Nick can we get involved with the community." Sure. But that's a lie because he was too busy ignoring me to look into it. Sitting at home on video games was MUCH more important. "Can I just get a job!?" Only if I work nights after tending to the baby all day and live with out sleep at all. Losing my grip and my mind. 

I spent September and October while the season changed in a massive depression. I wanted more out of life. I wanted passion and adventure, I just wanted to be me. The me that can be impulsive and make naive mistakes and leave room to learn and grow out of them. 

I felt so alone. So trapped. So negative. And you guys know from previous posts how this story goes. I tried to overdose. While Nick sat there beside me and waited for me to die. In 2013 I nearly lost my life. If it wasn't for calling my mother for what I thought would be one last time, one last "I love you," I would have drifted away into noting. She felt my pain, she knew how low I was, and she made the call to save me although I had no desire to be saved. 

And I'm in a bed then, listening to my inner voice talk about how my life has passed me by in large increments in such a short span of time. Twenty years only. Twenty years of all my mistakes that I thought I was learning from but instead I was only burning my bridges. 

So I wrote. I pulled up the internet and I created what you're now reading and I poured out my heart and soul and I gave you the truth, the good truths and the incredibly bad truths. 

And I moved. And I took my baby with me. And began struggling to let my family become my support system they were always meant to be, but I had denied them to be. 

And I had days were I would sit in a bath of warm water going cold and I would cry out loudly for it to all stop. When my mother would walk into the room to hold her babies body and wrap it up in a towel because I couldn't manage it. And I gave her all the resentment inside of me I could manage to spill out. 

Crying until I was exhausted enough to let sleep take me. 

And she taught me that I needed to look around and see what I did have. And to try. My life wasn't what it had been anymore. I need to forgive and allow myself to become better, allow the other people in my life the opportunity to show me unconditional love with out holding onto the past. Stop burning my damn bridges. Stop fucking running away. 

I don't know much about the future. I don't know much about what's going to happen in 2014. I roll my eyes at the thought of a new me and that bullshit but to survive, I'm going to have to try. 

I'm going to have the opportunity here to work and thrive and write and go to school, support myself and my baby girl. And who the hell cares about the shit from my past anymore. Hey world, I fucked up. And it was dramatic and it might always be as next year passes by. 

But I don't look too much at my future anymore. I don't bother to look back in my past. I'm living day by day, sometimes hour by hour if I can't manage that. I'm living for what's going to make me happy.

Happy New Year and may it bring you everything you never thought you'd live to see.