It's Only Life

I cried today. I was a sobbing mess, let me tell you. 

I had my patience tested to the end with Liv. This last week she's decided she doesn't want to eat anything I give her. She barely touches her favorite foods. She won't take fruits or vegetables or meats, and God knows I don't want to fill her up with snacks. 

We have both been adjusting to me being a single parent and while I pretty much was even while I was with Nick, on the days when I had taken on so much I could just scream and rip my hair from the roots, Nick would understand and step in. 

This week I've been at my wits end several times but I didn't show my extreme distress until today while I was out running errands with my mother. And she did give me a ten minute break and I know she wants to help but she also simultaneously has to take care of her life and the other people in it. 

It's the most overwhelming feeling to be taking on all of my personal distress while learning how to parent alone. I'm glad I'm not writing this here on paper with ink because it would be tear stained. 

As I took my ten minute break that was actually a break down and felt incabable, I reached for my phone to call Livs dad and express what I was going through with his daughter and silence and excuses were ringing in my ears from the other side of the line. I couldn't beg for help and relief enough but those were two things that couldn't be given and so the conversation ended abruptly. 

And I sunk a little, I was tired. I was frustrated. But I knew that little girl needed me to love her unconditionally. 

Elivia is going to do this, she's going to have bad days, she's going to have rough patches. 

And I can cry if I need to. I can sit and cry for ten minutes and then not allow myself anymore. Cut it off. And I can be determined not to cry again for the same reason. I can feel angry as long as I don't take it out on other people. I can feel overwhelmed as long as I remember that I am a woman with a child that needs me, and there are so many other women in this world that have mastered what I'm embarking on with minimal complaining. My heart salutes those strong women. 

So I coped by pulling my best friend (my iPone) out and punching these little keys to tell myself, and to tell all of you, that rough days do not equal a rough life. It's hard, oh God it's so hard but we can persevere. The world should remember all of the women that continued even when they thought they couldn't. There's no need to follow in misseries footsteps. I'm working so diligently on bettering myself. Not just for me but also for my daughter. I don't have to be so fragile. None of us do. 

And after all of that, we should always remember, it's only life.