What I Have Come To Learn About Relationships

I've been playing around all day trying to choose what blog topic I wanted to write about the most. And then this idea fell in my lap.

I seldom get asked for relationship advice and I don't really blame anyone for not asking because it seems like I'm never sure what I really want, but when I do, I really enjoy helping anyone out. Learn from my experiences, if you will. 

This is what I have come to learn about relationships. If you want to opt out of reading each spiel you can scroll to the bottom where they are listed! 

There's two basic types of relationships first. The shades of grey and in-betweens come second. 

The two types of relationships are: not serious/just for fun and serious. 

I have taken every relationship I've been in since I was five seriously even if the other person in the relationship didn't. (I'm kidding by the way, I didn't date at five.)

You see, no one ever told me that there's the option to just have fun but not expect it to last forever. I always thought I would end up marrying the guy I was "going out with". Always. Especially while I was in my early teen years. 

I was so passionate about relationships then, and I've either grown up or just lost the desire now, honestly I can't tell. 

I was supposed to be having easy, light, and fun relationship experiences while I was young but instead I always made myself very dedicated. And now at this point I feel like I missed out on the experiences I should have had and lessons that I might have learned. I feel like those experiences and lessons would have made for a stronger me in my marriage. 

Therefore, the first thing I have come to learn about relationships, is that they aren't all meant to be so serious. Especially while young. You can bank on it that I will teach my daughter that lesson. 

Now that I'm well knowing of that I have also expanded my preference on it. I feel like relationships that aren't going to be serious should just stay in the "talking" zone. There's nothing wrong with that shade of grey area. It's actually more pleasant than a real relationship considering there's no real "break up".  There might still be a sting left over but it's not something that you can't come back from. It's when you feel like there is potential to be serious that I think you should want an actual relationship. 

Maybe some of these things are "duh" things to say to most but I do know quite a few girls that are too serious and jump into too many relationships that don't have true potential. 

So the next thing I've come to learn about relationships is not to fear the shade of grey area that looms around friends, lovers, or nothing. (Yeah, that's a John Mayer song.) 

I've also learned that your past relationships will have a tendency of repeating themselves. Or at least trying to. If you once loved someone and they once loved you, real or not real, they will think about you from time to time. And when they're lonely enough or going through a rough patch in life, they will eventually reach out to you. They'll reminisce. They'll apologize. It always happens that way. 

Here's how I feel about recycling relationships: think about what you went through that resulted in your breakup the first time. If you would be willing to do it again with that person then go for it. If you really don't think you can't put up with that bullshit and heartbreak again, then don't. A past relationship isn't going to magically be way better in the future. Be realistic and decide if you can handle what you've been put through with that person again. If you can, I actually encourage it. Sometimes there's more left to learn in relationships. And when you care about someone more than you care about your pain, then they obviously mean a massive amount to you. Which is the third thing I've come to learn about relationships. 

So many people tell others these days that you shouldn't have expectations in a relationship. You shouldn't expect him to be your Prince Charming who is romantic and spontaneous like he walked straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel.  

I spent a lot of time understanding why I shouldn't have expectations. Then I came to find why that's wrong and why I really should set the bar higher. It's simple really.

You can't settle. Settling will eventually make you terribly unhappy. If you lowered your expectations you will come to find yourself longing for a guy who will meet them. Whether he's real or just a dream guy. So keep your expectations how you want them. Even if you have to wait until you're fifty-five to find the one you truly desire. So the fourth thing I've learned, is waiting for years for the right guy is way better than spending years with the wrong or uncertain one.  

The fifth lesson I've learned is: Don't lose who you are in a relationship. Don't become so much of a "we" that there's no more "I". Guys are typically better at not doing this than girls are in my opinion. When you lose yourself to your relationship you're going to find yourself at the end of it wondering who you even are anymore. You will sacrifice friendships, family members, and your ultimate happiness if you've gotten too deep. 

Now, I'm not saying don't have a strong love and bond. But I am saying don't alter yourself to please someone even if you love them. 

I know it does happen a lot with certain people. Like people who change their religion to be able to marry their SO. If you want to make a change in your life, be sure you're making it because you very much want it, not just because someone else does. 

Moving on, relationships will last longer if no one knows your business. Put your need for dramatics aside and do not take to social media when you're pissed off. I've been there. I've been that girl. Here's how that worked out for me...

I would post about how mad I was and it was opening up my relationship to the public to form opinions about. Many unwanted opinions. Or even some that would just feed my fire and make me even madder. What happens is when you get over your fight is the rest of the people that you have now let in won't. They'll only see the bad. 

I have also posted about how much I love someone. It's basically the same idea but in reverse. Those people who you have now informed will only see the good and won't understand your troubled times or why you've decided to breakup. 

That's why a relationship is only meant for the people in it. It's not meant to go through with everyone else. Number six. 

In relationships you have to leave room to grow and let your SO grow as well. You have to be knowing and accepting that over time, they're going to change and you will too. You have to be open to loving the person they are and they person they will become. 

Sometimes change is too much for us to handle. We don't like it when friends change. So we make new friends or distance ourselves from them. The same happens in relationships but it's harder to go through because it's more important. I've been through a relationship where I was starting to change and mature before I got into it. In the beginning I was constantly growing as a person and then I wasn't sure if the person I was with could keep up with me. Being accepting of those changes that are bound to happen will take you a long way. 

So number seven is just that, leaving room for growth. 

I do have a lot more that I could share but I feel like these are the biggest key points and the most relevant in my life at the moment. I'm no expert on relationships. I've been through plenty that have failed but that's what gives me my experiences and knowledge.

1. Not all relationships are meant to be so serious. 
2. "Talking" is a great alternative to a non-serious relationship. 
3. When to and not-to recycle relationships. 
4. Waiting for years for the right guy is way better than spending years with the wrong or uncertain one.
5. Don't lose who you are in a relationship.
6. Don't let others pry.  
7. Leave room for growth.